07042014
I had an interesting experience today
concerning music. I have been practicing this big-scale choir piece
with the choir I'm in for a few months now, and the past four weeks
or so have been especially intense: not just with the rehearsals, but
in emotional terms as well. Somehow this piece of music has become
woven into my experience with other things in life, and I find
fragments of it echoing in my mind daily, sometimes constantly. I can
see how this happens as the result of me linking all of my individual
experiences in my mind into this one big storyline experience – the
story I tell of my life to myself with pictures and words – and how
the music kinda serves as current background music to the movie that
is my life experience.
Today I was sitting in the bus and
spacing out, wondering around in my mind and not really being here in
breath, when I suddenly realized that I was not responding to the
weather conditions (gray, rainy and cold) at all with the usual
gloominess and weariness. I felt as if I was “glowing from within”
- because the music was again playing in my mind, speaking words of
light and divinity, reminding me of my experiences of joyful living –
and that the feeling of light and warmth I got from the
music/experience/feelings was kinda acting as a barrier between me
and my surroundings. I found this experience positive, because from
within it I was able to face other people with clarity and balance,
not responding to their apparent low moods. I did not feel like
complaining about the weather, because I had not really even noticed
it was “bad” weather – to me it was just weather, how it is
every now and then; logically rainy of this time of year, lol.
Upon writing this I noticed waves of
self-judgement, as if I was “not supposed to” be feeling anything
at all and that standing within an energetic experience like this is
not appropriate. This shows how I have misunderstood some parts of
this process. Rather than denying my experiences and thus suppressing
them, be they positive or negative, I could try to walk, live and
breathe through the experiences to fully know them and harness them,
whatever that means in whichever context. In this case, for example,
I am fully aware of the role of this particular music piece in the
workings of my mind. I have seen where and how I have given myself
permission to embed the music with my experiences. I am not yet sure
if this serves any purpose at all, other than crafting myself nice
memories, bonding with others and thus structuring my social
networks, or just learning to know myself through relieved
self-expression. Through this process of “giving in” to music I
have for instance rediscovered the experience and state of being
inspired (excited, motivated, seeing possibilities where there were
none before – and then acting upon it!), and that alone tells me
that I have managed to remove a block that has been in place for
years, more or less.
What concerns me is the fact that this
wave of positive stuff comes straight after a very low phase of
depression and being stuck. I fear that this is “just” another
“up” and that I will eventually come crashing down. I am working
on this at the moment by stabilizing myself with breath whenever I
see myself getting carried away by an experience, or rather by
channeling the energy of the experience and living through it, after
which I stabilize. I know that I don't have to crash down once (if?)
this stuff gets exhausted, but I do realize that whenever I go up,
the return to stability will always feel like a dip in comparison. I
guess a part of it is also to learn how to deal with the state of
“coming down”, which I guess I know a bit better than dealing
with “going up”.
It might also be that some of what I am
experiencing in my life at the moment is not in fact an energetic
“up”, but simply a relieved state of balanced being, which just
feels “lighter” in comparison to the constraint I've been under.
I'll continue with this topic later. The jumble of stuff from the past few weeks is kinda big and requires more digging.
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