02012014
For some time now I have had my partner
living with me. He lives on the other side of the globe and is now
visiting me for some weeks / a couple of months. He has been living
in my apartment for about 3 weeks, which has been a major challenge
for me because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years.
One challenge I have faced is finding,
arranging and claiming personal space when it's needed. Because my
apartment only really has one room with no doors to separate private
spaces, it takes some effort to de-attach myself from the presence of
the other, as I first need to identify the need for personal space,
then decide to arrange it, then communicate it, and then make sure
that I utilize that space effectively.
This is one of the reasons I have had
trouble writing lately. I find it difficult to focus on writing in
the presence of another or rather find some social activities more
relevant. My partner agrees that writing is important and he is
willing to give me all the space I need for doing it, but I have
still found it difficult. I much rather just escape the discomfort of
arranging myself a moment for writing into social activities as they
are so easy and comfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape the discomfort I find in writing into
social activities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make writing uncomfortable for myself as I have
created a threshold from the excuse “I don't know what to write
about”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that “I don't now what to write
about”, not realizing that it is an excuse to not write, and that I
am in fact able to figure out what to write a blog post about once I
sit down, bring myself to breath and start mapping out my recent
experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear / anticipate the moment when I do not have
a clear view on what today's blog post will be about, not realizing
that the view will clarify eventually as I simply break my experience
down and give myself enough time to piece it together.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be distracted by the social possibilities
living with another person brings into my life, thus forgetting about
and ignoring my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify being distracted by the social
possibilities with the fact that my partner will only be here for a
few weeks, not realizing that even though this is true and I should
utilize my time with him as effectively as possible, by interacting
with him from the starting point of escapism I build the relationship
into a place of escapism / illusion instead of building it into a
platform of actual support, which will have long-lasting consequences
and might affect the relationship further in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the choices I make when living
with my partner affect the way the relationship is constructed, and
that if I give myself leeway by for example escaping my
responsibilities or disregarding communication, it will have an
effect on what the relationship becomes and what kind of
issues/conflict/disturbance we will eventually come across.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal
space to carry out my responsibilities and tasks I build the
relationship to be founded on self-responsibility, self-reliance,
commitment, direct communication, self-honesty and mutual support and
assistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal
space I do not only support myself but I also support the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear claiming personal space because it
requires me to ask for practical things (silence, comfortable seat,
good lighting, etc.) for myself so that the other will not be able to
use them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear asking for these practicalities as I have
feared that I might be asking “too much” from the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if I ask “too much” of the other,
he will think less of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear my partner thinking less of me because I
perceive and believe that with him there's “more to lose” than
with others as the “stakes are higher”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give special value to my partner's opinion of
me as I have believed and perceived that a positive opinion keeps the
relationship together whereas a negative opinion will make him lose
interest / motivation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person's opinion of
another – how one experiences the other momentarily and in
long-term / who one believes and perceives the other to be – is the
fundamental reason for why relationships are created and held onto,
not realizing that to build a partnership on feelings, images and
concepts alone is unreliable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that alongside feelings and
concepts relationships can also be built on principles, common goals
and rational reasoning, which will provide a more solid foundation
for a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust the principles our relationship is
founded upon and (out of habit) be constantly afraid of “losing my
standing” in the eyes of my partner, as this is what has usually
been the reason for my relationships ending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to uphold the practice of building relationships
on unreliable grounds by choosing my partners according to momentary
experiences and ending the relationships when my partners have no
longer triggered the same experience in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that my current relationship will end up
the same way my previous relationships have ended up, not realizing
that I have the tools to prevent such an outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by trying to guess how this
relationship “ends up” I am thinking in stories, simplifying
lived life into images and living according to this guesswork, not
realizing that future is created HERE and cannot be fully foreseen.
I digress!
I commit myself to arrange myself the
time and space to write every day, taking into consideration the
circumstances I do this in.
I commit myself to practice trust and
self-trust by addressing topics that feel difficult with my partner.
I commit myself, when and as I need it,
to ask for support from my partner e.g. in writing.
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