Day 370: SF on Sex & the fear of failure

21122013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 369: Sex & the fear of failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “good sex” (success) and “bad sex” (failure) as ideas of what sex is / can be, not realizing that these ideas are not actually real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “good sex” as such where all participants are satisfied according to their expectations about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the expectations I have / others have about sex, or the fact that we expect anything out of sex at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “bad sex” as such where not all participants are satisfied according to their expectations about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the phenomenon of having expectations about sex in the form of ideals, fantasies, images, plans and assumptions, thus believing the disappointment when sex is unsatisfactory/bad/failed and the satisfaction when sex is good/successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I have felt like the sex I've had has been successful I have in fact created the experience myself through my expectations and that no such thing as “doing sex right” exists in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I have felt that the sex I've had has been a failure I have in fact created the experience myself through my expectations and that no such thing as “doing sex wrong” exists in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are no right or wrong ways of having sex in the physical reality – unless one has a practical goal that needs to take the physical reality into consideration (such as reproducing, lol, then you don't really have that many options).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal of what sex “should be” like through the images I have been exposed to willingly and unwillingly through the media of the culture I have lived in (TV shows, movies, photography, fashion, magazines, literature, visual arts, music), not realizing that none of the images I believe to be sex is not in fact sex but an idea about sex – a conceptual painting of a dimension of the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as sex is what I have labeled as bad/unsatisfactory/failed, the consequence of this will be that my partner will be disappointed, blame me for their disappointment, judge me to be a failure and decide to invest their time on someone “better” than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of this trigger-reaction pattern based on the images I have been exposed to by the media, not realizing that this, too, is an idea about how people behave and what they expect of each other and not the actual reality of human behavior itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can affect human behavior through my application within the moment of interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner leaving me because I have learned, believed and perceived that it would be a bad thing to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my belief that being alone is a bad thing, thus not realizing that both being single and being in a relationship have their own benefits and limitations – the conditions are simply different with differing opportunities available.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when sex is what I have labeled as good/satisfactory/successful my partner will be content, project their positive feelings on me and believe me to be the source of their satisfaction, believe me to be a worthwhile person and decide to continue to invest their time on me because I'm “better” than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by always anticipating my partner's response to the “quality” of sex I keep the relationship a target of a constant gamble where the platform of the relationship is not stable at all as it has not been built on a mutual agreement but is instead based on competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my relationships into a place of uncertainty and instability as I have believed and perceived that the relationship depends on my “success” in sex, thus building my tension, anxiety, fear, stress and pressure about sex and thus causing myself to very often “fail” in sex as I have been doing it through tension and fear for others instead of doing it relaxed and open for myself.

I commit myself to focus on communicating directly and self-honestly about sex with the people whom I have sex with, as I have seen, realized and understood that when and as I communicate about the things I fear their control over me dissolves, thus enabling practical correction.

I commit myself to explore sex through physical movement and the senses instead of the ideas I have about sex.

I commit myself to map out and walk through the ideas I have about sex – the conceptual reality of layered shit that I have piled on top of the simplicity of the physical reality.