09122013
I've had issues with femininity for as
long as I can remember. I have gathered from photographs that as a
small child I enjoyed dressing up in princess costumes mainly under
the influence of my sister, but this phase passed by the time I went
to school. I wore very practical clothing, I valued intelligence, I
resented girly pastimes like gossiping, I didn't like the way girls
interacted with each other (mainly because I was bullied – I never
saw the positive side of femininity).
This point comes down to my mother and
her mother (and possibly all the women down the line). My mother's
mother married man who – possibly under the influence of war –
became violent, aggressive and unpredictable. This is seen in my
mother, who has always been meek, compliant, vulnerable and
emotional. Her emotionality has been introverted, collapsing inwards
and occasionally exploding outwards, as if she has been afraid of
letting her emotions show. She has trouble standing up to people
(including herself) and looks for fault in herself. When my parents
broke up a few years ago, she had immense trouble facing my father
and discussing the matter. Looking at her life, she appears to have
preferred men who show a clear male dominance which she can submit
to. She has little belief in her own skills and talents and needs a
lot of encouraging.
Now, keep in mind that my description
of my mother is the way I perceive her. She might describe the same
things completely differently. The point of me describing her is to
map out who I am, who I have been, where I have grown up, what burden
of the past I perceive myself to carry – and what points exactly I
am working on and why. All of what I described of her above are the
qualities I adopted from her while growing up under her influence;
what happened as I see it.
My mother was also a prime example of
the positive sides of femininity – caring, compassion, support,
communication – but they were overshadowed by the negative, at
least for me. My sister has told me she always appreciated our
mother's example and she grew up to be prominently feminine, so we
have experienced her and taken influence from her differently,
probably because we were born 9 years apart. I am guessing her
self-suppression had accumulated and developed by the time I was
born.
So, many issues have spawned from this.
I have been insecure, introverted and extremely fearful. I have
developed a fear of men, which has had far-stemming consequences,
such as a physical inability to have sex, which I have worked on
consciously for some years now. (I recently realized that this
manifestation in the flesh may come from really far: for all I know
my mother herself could have been conceived as a result of violent
sex, knowing the character of her father.) My fear of men has
developed into hatred and bitterness. I have been very shy around
people. I have been constantly concerned about being accepted by
others, because I had no sense of self-worth without external
validation. I have been largely unable to communicate because I have
had a paralyzing fear of being exposed and judged. Paralysis, all in
all, is what it has been: an all-encompassing state of tension.
The reason I am writing about this
(again) is because I am getting closer to, well, how to call it, a
“breakthrough” of sorts. Through practical application I have
been able to approach and interact with men who trigger the fear of
men in me through their somehow apparent “masculinity” - a
profound “maleness” in some part of their presence and/or
expression. I have previously had a panicky need to protect myself
from masculine expression by becoming masculine myself, be it through
speech, movement, behavior or tone of discussion, or simply by
distancing myself or completely escaping from the person. I am
starting to reach a point where I can locate my breathing in the
middle of this reaction, thus stopping my defense mechanisms, and
where I can begin to explore how to “take in” masculinity – how
to be the feminine counterpart – how to let go, give in, submit. To
use sex as a metaphor, I once read somewhere that whereas masculinity
is about pushing in and penetrating, femininity is to wrap oneself
around the penetrator. It is this duality between hardness and
softness that I am fascinated by, because I have never learned how to
be soft. To survive in a male-dominated world I have hardened myself,
metaphorically and literally.
I am glad that I have now had
opportunities to investigate this point in action – although it's
not surprising at all, as we summon that which we are ready for. I am
dancing around the edges of my comfort zone and it is exhilarating
and nerve-wrecking a the same time, lol. I think self-forgiveness on
the topic would support me with the practical application, so that's
what I'll do next.
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