Days 337-338: Getting out of bed because "important stuff awaits"

19-20102013

Still looking at the point with sleeping and waking up. Thanks to what I wrote before I have no longer been skipping morning classes, but there's still a problem with not getting up early even without something to “force” me out of bed.

For example, today I woke up around 10am after about 6 hours of sleep. I regained consciousness, I sat up to check the time, I felt awake and thought “I could get up already even though my alarm goes off in an hour”, but then, for some reason, I laid back down and fell into a dream state where I didn't really rest but just dreamt a lot. This pattern repeats over and over again, morning after morning. I regain consciousness after about 6 hours, but because I am not fully alert right away I think “I can sleep a little more” and suddenly I notice I've slept for 9 hours. This is not cool. I know I do not need the extra sleep after that 6 hours when I naturally wake up, and now I'm here to write to support myself through those moments of almost getting out of bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay in bed because it's warm under the blanket whereas my apartment feels very cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the discomfort of feeling cold when getting out of bed and use it as an excuse to stay in bed even though I do not need to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the coldness wears off after I get out of bed and move around, and that even though the moment I get out of bed feels “the worst” because the coldness hits me and my body goes into a momentary shock, the sensation of coldness will not last when and as I move myself and/or exercise, eat breakfast and put on enough clothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that coldness is not a valid reason to stay in bed because it's a practical issue I am fully capable to take care of without much effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself to stay in bed by thinking “I don't have anything important to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important tasks” to be things that have something outside of me to “please” - employers, teachers, clients, an audience – and to thus not be motivated to do things that do not have an external “audience” to satisfy but would only serve my (and others') well-being without external validation, acceptance or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the validation, acceptance and reward I get from outside of me (as learned in childhood) and to thus ignore self-validation, self-acceptance and self-reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to do things that are self-driven because it has required more effort to make those things rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to write my blog because I rarely get direct feedback from the people who read it (easy reward) and because it takes a lot of time to see the results of writing in my everyday living (hard reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to exercise because I don't remember how good it physically feels immediately after exercise (fast reward) and because the long-term results of exercise – the strengthening of my body – only appear after consistently exercising for long periods of time (slow reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the push of effort I have to make in order to exercise so that I forget the fast and the slow rewards it gets me.

When and as I resist exercising because it feels like “too much”, I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself of the fast and slow rewards exercise gets me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compelled to stay in bed because it has been a comfortable escape from my life which has been taking on a new structure, using up a lot of my energy and time, making life seem “chaotic”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this escape routine – which may have been useful in the beginning of this life change so that I could “recharge” - not realizing that this routine has served its purpose and is no longer valid as it's now keeping me from utilizing my time properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I would have a lot of useful and enjoyable things to do with that extra time not spent in bed, such as writing, reading, exercising, making music, cooking, cleaning, sewing and getting back to visual arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important” tasks and activities to be such where there is external validation, not realizing that the amount and source of validation that I get from an activity says nothing about its actual relevance to the well-being of All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a task/activity is “important” only if there is an external “demand” that will be rewarded with external validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my definition of “importance” (stuff that needs to be done) dates back to my childhood when I sought to compensate for my low self-esteem by doing well in school and hobbies and getting validation from my parents, teachers and audiences – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this definition is no longer valid as “what needs to be done” is no longer (and never really was) to create myself a temporary illusion of self-worth so that life wouldn't feel like shit but is now instead to live as self-worth that I structure, create and support myself as this will benefit All Life, myself included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that getting out of bed when I have had enough rest is important because through this act of self-discipline I support myself to become an active director of my own life, no longer floating around passively and responding to impulses but being the impulse as a self-directed principle.

I commit myself to challenge myself to no longer sleep in and to get myself out of bed when and as I wake up naturally after about 6 hours within and as the realization that through this action I build myself into a self-disciplined and active participant and director of my own life.

I commit myself to cut myself some slack when and as I actually need to sleep more (when I am sick or using up more energy than usual) and to utilize SF and writing for the possible guilt and regret for “wasting my time” on sleeping.

I commit myself to get myself out of bed on cold mornings by walking around, moving my body, stretching, making myself a warm breakfast and getting dressed.

I commit myself to investigate my definition of “importance”.