28102013
 |
| "Lean on me" by Susan Lyon |
I have recently become involved in a
new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which
is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty
dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now
starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new
person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.
When I met this person I was both
attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about
him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose
of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or
abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him
is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first
impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am
with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of
judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my
current comfort zone.
Because of the stereotype in my mind –
which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men –
I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which
basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of
relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and
more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting
constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to
face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and
exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out
of fear.
A while back I was writing about a core
question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed
that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with –
the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of
anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a
point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have
to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However,
for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could
have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't
been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that
stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps
immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing
from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that
later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start
focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within
social conduct.
A personality I have come across is one
that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I
hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather
portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will
begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after
nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared
confident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward –
directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the
issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they
desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this
interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have
approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on
the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture
I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid
straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men
feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous”
- not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually
say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy
guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the
straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are
bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided
them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered –
not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created
based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the
good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the
character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop
culture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter
how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an
asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere
universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has
“had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped
because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and
how they have experienced it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are
abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive
and easy to comply.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not
realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself
to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused”
and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done
nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then
complied to the assertiveness of another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another
because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other
– not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not
even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as
scared as I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not
been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I
have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and
straightforwardness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really
is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to
defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man”
(“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and
first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view
of him was distorted from the start.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as
tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close”
when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of
being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my
belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when,
where and how are which actions “allowed”.
--
[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am
excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the
opportunities this situation opens up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have
wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”,
not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to
protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect
myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my
interest towards people but by not living as the compliant,
passive victim I have gotten used to being.
When and as I am with X, I commit
myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize
myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own
reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.
I commit myself to write about the
points that arise within interaction with X.
I commit myself to utilize this
opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting
and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing
my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome
that he supports me in this!)
I will continue with the “who am I
with others” personality point in posts to come.
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