Day 333: Sleeping patterns

12102013

Artist: Lucian Freud

During the past couple of months – ever since I returned from the trip I made during the summer – my sleeping rhythm and routine has regressed. When I first got back home I allowed myself to sleep as much as I wanted because I actually needed it: I was recovering from three months of constant environmental instability and physical strain. I made the mistake of allowing this to become a tendency. I've given myself permission to sleep 8 hours a night or more even though it's become clear to me that I don't nearly always need that much sleep. I've made it “impossible” to get myself out of bed when there's nothing forcing me to do because according to some excuse I “need” lots of sleep or “get to” sleep in, and then I end up spending the last two hours rolling around half-awake in a tormenting dream state. I feel tired and heavy when I get out of bed instead of being refreshed and rested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not getting out of bed when I first wake up after 5-6 hours by thinking I need to sleep more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sleeping in because the moment when I do come around after 5-6 hours of sleep doesn't “feel like” I have awoken, not realizing that I have defined “waking up” to mean that I feel fully alert yet heavy and disoriented, because this is how I feel like after 8+ hours of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself in the moment where I come around after 5-6 hours of sleep that the tiredness I feel then dissipates when I get up and breathe myself back to this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to sleep 8 hours every night, not realizing that I have shown myself that this is not in fact true even though I may occasionally need 8 hours of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base this belief on my experiences from last year when I slept about 6 hours a night, worked 15-18 hours a day and ended up extremely worn out, not realizing that my weariness then was not caused by little sleep alone but also by the workload and stress I was under – and that I still survived with 6 hours of sleep a night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge this belief by setting my alarm to wake me up after about 6 hours, deciding to get up and seeing how my day turns out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold my current sleeping pattern by always setting my alarm to wake me up after about 7-8 hours, not realizing that even 7 hours is often too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “get to” sleep a lot now that I don't have to go to work early every morning, not realizing that even though there is no one “demanding” for me to get up and do something, I would in fact have plenty of things to do if I did get up earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe an perceive that I have “the right” to sleep in because I've already “done so much”, not realizing that if this “right” makes my contribution to the world less and doesn't really serve my actual benefit either, it's not a “right” but an excuse to stick to my comfort zone and be less than who I am / could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip morning lectures after a night shift because I have believed and perceived that I “need” to sleep a full 8 hours a night, not realizing that by doing this I disregard the opportunities the university offers me in the form of a lecture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip morning lectures as I have believed and perceived that by sleeping less than 8 hours I am not “fully alert” / “at my best” to learn anything during a lecture, not realizing that by thinking “I am not alert” I will cause myself to be more tired and less focused and will not even give myself a chance to try if I would in fact be able to learn something during a lecture despite the little sleep I've had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a lecture is not “worth” getting up for, not realizing that a lecture is a rare chance learn socially and receive some mentoring, as most of my study time is independent and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my momentary comfort (sleeping in) above long-term benefits (learning).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my disorganized living into sleeping so that there would be a little less left of the chaos that awaits me outside the bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this opportunity to create new supportive structures into my life (e.g. morning exercise) because it has been easier to just sleep and escape the question: what do I want my life to be?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the “chaos” my life is in and thus escape it into sleep, not realizing that I am able to harness this chaos and turn those opportunities into beneficial patterns, habits and structures that I will be happy to wake up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear chaos and “freeze” within chaos, turning this panic reaction into anxiety which I then escape into entertainment (multimedia, sleep, food, socializing) – not realizing that I can in fact stop, breathe and ground myself into my own stability point and from that stance observe the chaos and create a structure to manage my life through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up because there are many things I need and want to be doing but have no structure to doing them.

I commit myself to try out sleeping less a night by setting my alarm to wake me up in approximately 6 hours and doing either half a routine of yoga or a half-an-hour walk/run outside (or a little less if I am in a hurry) straight after waking up without having breakfast. (Exceptions allowed if I am sick.)

I commit myself to cut down on snacking before going to bed by rather drinking water/tea than eating.

I commit myself to show myself that fasting first thing in the morning / last thing in the evening actually supports my well-being as my body doesn't get overloaded with food.

I commit myself to make “to-do” -lists of the tasks I need to do and design/revise each morning how to get them done.

I commit myself to explore how to make studying a part of my daily routine and how to structure the reading that I have to do.