perjantai 11. lokakuuta 2013

Day 332: Attraction, part 8 - refusal


 11102013



This post is a direct continuation to:


And a part of the following series:


“The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.”

I am now increasingly anxious about the person I am referring to here, because I agreed to meet him and simply the discussion on how we should meet has revealed some points about the both of us that I find worrying. For now I have been able to direct myself according to self-honesty, but it has required immense effort as I am not completely clear on where I stand and how to communicate that to another.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that rejecting a person based on nothing but my initial feeling of resentment only serves my self-interest and does not support the other to understand the real reasons behind my refusal, not to mention I neglect my own process while doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject another person based on my initial feeling of discomfort instead of refusing the proposal of another based on the incompatibility of our starting points at this point of time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for rejecting another person, not realizing that it serves the benefit of the both of us to not direct our time and effort on something that most likely will not “work out” (become a platform of actual support for the both of us AND consequently benefit the rest of the world as well) and that in such a case where this seems likely it is reasonable to let go and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have negative expectations about dating, not realizing that a meeting with a person doesn't have to be about “falling in love” (creating dependency) and “planning a future” (writing a story in one's head), but that it can in fact be utilized to map out the foundation each one's life stands on and to see if they would benefit each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider canceling a date because of the meeting place the other suggested, not realizing that instead of escaping possible conflict I can actually direct the situation by communicating why I do not think the meeting place is good for our meeting and suggesting something else. [This is what I did after a long-ass struggle with myself, lol, and it worked out well.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when/as/if I refuse to keep meeting this person it will create a “disturbance” in the social structure we interact in – that we would feel uncomfortable in each other's presence – not realizing that this can be avoided (or at least I can do my share of preventing such a situation) through self-honest communication where the “air is cleared” and no points are left to accumulate under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to communicate myself properly in a situation that is loaded with expectations.



I commit myself to attend to this meeting from the starting point of mapping out the both of us.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to be clear with myself throughout the meeting by returning myself to breath and focusing on my breathing and grounding, thus slowing myself down, and by keeping track of any reactions/points that may occur during the meeting.

I commit myself to pay attention to my negative expectations (wanting to see the other in a negative light so that I would have an excuse to escape him) and to carry responsibility for them by ensuring that they are not the starting point for my actions and choices.

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