24-26082013
For the past two days I've been writing
about a situation in which I accepted and allowed my ego to lead me
blindly into seeking fame and glory at the expense of children. I was
asked to be a judge in a children's singing contest and also to speak
to the audience on behalf of the entire jury. I did all of this and
in my own terms I managed “well”, I was pretty to look at and
comfortable to listen to, I was setting an “admirable” example to
the children, I was making the “right” choice on the winners –
except that this is all bullshit. I justified participating in a
system (competition) that supports inequality and creates separation
by thinking that this way the children “get experience on
performing” (which they could actually get in a simple concert
without the setting of a contest) and all the while the reason I
really wanted to be there was to be seen, to show off myself and
build a self-image of an admirable public figure.
The consequence of this was that I
became anxious and paranoid while walking in the middle of the crowd
because I started judging myself on how “well” I did on the
speech and the appearance and then projected my self-judgement on
others and believed them to now think less of me. I could not stand
the eyes I imagined to have been on me and I had to leave.
When I was writing through all this (in
extensive and messy writings which I will not publish) I came across
self-hate when I realized what I had done. I need to forgive myself
for falling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hate, despise and loathe myself when and as I
realized I had listened to my ego when making a decision to
participate in the contest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and
support me to grow as a being because hate is an act of holding on to
the past and judging myself in the present (and future, “I will
never be good enough”) according to who I was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and
support me to move on because from within hate I cannot truly forgive
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should lash myself
into “being a better person” through guilt, shame and self-hate,
not realizing that doing so is an act of punishing myself which will
eventually kill me, either through exhaustion or through the
culmination of self-hate in suicide.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not have mercy on myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is inevitable,
and that the way to deal with mistakes is not to hate myself (which
will only incapacitate me and make me “even less” than I already
am within my moment of falling) but to recognize the consequences of
my mistake and to carry responsibility for them.
I commit myself to consider
participating in contests like this from a wider perspective: what
are the implications of the existence of a contest like this? What is
a children's singing contest as a system? What does it serve? What
are the consequences for the children? What are the consequences for
the families? Who are the parents that bring their children to
contests like this? Who are the children we see competing? What would
rewarding one individual do for him/her and what would it do for
another? [I will shortly write an essay on what I saw and have seen
about all this.]
If I am asked to participate in a
contest like this again, I commit myself to consider what my field of
influence there would be and decide my participation accordingly; I
also commit myself to discuss the purpose and necessity of a
children's singing contest with the people arranging it.
--
Another thing I went through is my
desire to be famous, which I have already written about quite a lot.
I realized that there is a certain set of memories I need to go
through to access the root of this desire, which is in the birth of
my self-hate when I compared myself to my sister and later on to my
female friends.
Some SF on fame I wrote earlier:
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous because I wanted
to be loved by as many people as possible – I wanted to make sure
everyone liked me, or that enough people liked me so that I'd be
“untouchable” / immune to judgement.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the energetic “high” I would get from the adoration of the public would be the only way for me to ever handle negative attention because it would act as a “buffer” or a “shield” as long as many enough people were there to “accept” me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “too weak” to handle negative attention and that to deal with it I “need” the “love” of the audience (the confirmation that I am “good enough”).
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have actually been escaping my tendency to take negative attention personally and avoiding facing this point by blaming my reaction on others and avoiding ever facing what the negative attention (bullying) actually was.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been reaching for fame so that it would work as a “shield” to protect me from bullying or, in fact, my own self-judgement.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that being
exposed to many people's attention would bring me acceptance because
I had a skill (singing) that everyone I had met so far had
appreciated.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I could
expose as many people as possible to my skills I would be accepted
and loved by all.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I was actually
seeking from fame was the acceptance I was not giving myself; a
placebo to my self-hate. [Note to self: the birth of my self-hate
would be a good point to open up – specific memories of a certain
era to be mapped out.]
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the acceptance I
would receive from the audience would never be enough to sustain me
throughout my life AND death because in essence I am alone – I'm
born alone, I breathe alone, I die alone; if I were to depend on
others for sustenance I would have to keep on pulling the tricks that
bring out positive reactions from others.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “adoration”,
“love” and “acceptance” that I have believed and perceived
myself to be getting from the people who admired me was actually me
taking the reactions and experiences of others personally, believing
I was the cause of another's experience when in fact I was “just”
the trigger.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to look at me with
adoration and submission instead of hate, ridicule and dominance –
not realizing that I would just be exerting a sugar-coated revenge by
dominating others in turn as I did not see, realize and understand
that I could be equal with others as I had never seen an example of
equality.
I commit myself to proceed next onto
going through these memories of how I came to hate myself as a
child/adolescent.
--
Forgiving the ego point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel like I was doing “the right thing”
when I got compliments about my appearance, thinking that it was
justified for me to be doing the judging/performing/appearance
because I was so good at it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by looking pretty,
calm and composed I would be a good example for the children, not
realizing that the children pick up who I live as, not who I appear
to be, and that because I was appearing pretty, calm and composed as
an image driven by the ego this is what the children will learn: to
appear confident because it is a part of their self-image and because
they're afraid of being anything else.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “letting loose”
(expressing myself however the hell I wanted) in front of the
audience because I wanted to maintain an appearance and feared that
breaking that appearance would mean that I would no longer be
appreciated or respected.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that
I need to appear serene, beautiful, calm, balanced and stable to be
the kind of a public figure that everyone would respect / not hate.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed to the
public because some people might not like me and exert their
disapproval on me.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am
exposed to the public as myself I am bound to not be liked by all as
the things I have to say/express are such that not everyone wants to
hear; someone is bound to react.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order
to be liked by everyone I would have to keep on changing my
appearance according to my audience and that this way of living would
be based on dishonesty: I would live as a multitude of characters
instead of living as myself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the price
I pay for “being safe” is too much; it is not worth sacrificing
myself for.
I commit myself to
flag any and all moments when I see myself limiting my expression for
the sake of my appearance and to investigate them in writing.
When and as I see
myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance –
thinking/experiencing “I have to do this” or “I cannot do this”
- I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living as my ego and serving
my self-image. I ask myself: what am I trying to portray and why? I
answer myself in self-honesty, not accepting or allowing myself to
believe any bullshit excuses or justifications, demanding myself for
the truth. I forgive myself for whatever I find, allowing myself to
face and realize who I am within the moment, yet understanding that
we all make mistakes and that now that I see mine I am able to make
amends. I look at the consequences of this self-limitation and I
carry my responsibility for what I have caused, within or outside of
myself.
I commit myself to
carry on with my process in order to become an example I would be
happy to have children live by, and I commit myself to settle for no
less.
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