05-06052013
In a week I'm leaving the country for 3
months and I now see myself making a big deal out of it. I imagine
this to be some kind of a “major event” or a “turning point”,
thinking “my life will be changed” and that “nothing's going to
be the same” - and as I believe these thoughts I create fear
because I feel like I am “losing” the life I have right now –
which is kind of true and then again it isn't.
Life is in constant motion. I realize
that nothing besides myself is permanent in my experience of it, and
that every component of my life may change to another – and that
this is OK because that's how life is. I realize that to get attached
to the things I have in my life at the moment is to fear letting go
of the things I have made myself dependent upon. I realize that to be
truly stable I need to lay my foundation within myself so that no
matter what happens around me I will be able to carry myself and keep
on living. As long as I hold onto things out of fear I am not living
fully as myself but living through others.
I am going through some changes in my
life at the moment which I perceive to be “big” and “meaningful”.
So this trip is just about “epic” enough to fit the story I
script of my life within my mind. “Winds of change blowing” and
so forth. I now see, realize and understand all this glorification to
be bullshit, and I will allow it to continue no further.
I am going to spend a few months (12
weeks) in a different geographical location than what I am used to.
If things go as planned, I will return here and keep on living my
life on this support platform for now. While I travel I will keep on
breathing, moving and learning – just as I do within my every day
life no matter where I reside. Why would my breath be any different
some place or another? It's the same oxygen, the same muscles, the
same lung tissue; the same sun, the same water; the same life force
behind all pairs of eyes; the same Earth beneath my feet. I will not
be gone in some different reality. I will be here on this Earth –
and I will be within myself just as I am right here.
These doubts and fears behind the
glorification spring from the fact that I have made myself dependent
on the people, places and materia that are here to support my usual
daily living. There is a difference between supporting myself with
something and relying completely on it. So here's now a lesson for
me: realize how I have made my sense of security and stability
reliant on the social (friends, family, co-workers, ethnic
environment) and material (home, familiar places, belongings, assets)
resources the purpose of which is to assist me – not to carry me
for me – not to create my experience for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to “make a big deal” out of this trip that I'm
making by attaching it with values such as “life-changing”,
“big”, “major”, “meaningful”, “crucial”, “turning
point” and “epic”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that this trip will “change me”,
not realizing that I am the one who chooses to change and that no
change of environment or circumstances alone will change me for me –
I may utilize such changes for purposes of growth, but this requires
my active participation and movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a fear of leaving for the trip as I have
believed I will be somehow “different” in different surroundings
– here forgetting that no matter where I am, I can always return to
breath and I will be “home” - I will always be able to find
myself by returning to breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to visualize the upcoming three months as a blank
gap in my future because I have no idea what the trip will be and
become, creating a rift like the edge of a cliff beyond which I will
“not be myself” because my surroundings are uncertain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make myself reliant on my surroundings by
seeking for familiarity and constancy to create an illusion of
stability and control when in fact that stability has been missing
from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my surroundings are not me
even though they make up the “walls” of my experience – the
borders along which I experience life – here believing the
experience my environment gives me to be who I am, not stopping to
breathe and realize that I am not what's around me but what's within
me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear losing the components that make up my
living environment at the moment as I have believed these components
to be my life,
not realizing that my life is the choices, decisions and movements I
make and not the environment I do this within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on
the components my life at the moment consists of to create stability
for me by not changing – not realizing that I am abdicating my
responsibility to become a self-supported, self-carried and
self-cared human being who will not live as abuse by feeding off the
skins of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as
stagnation by not allowing the components of my life to freely move,
change, morph and adapt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a
“story of my life” within my mind by thinking of the things I do
before, while and after I am doing them, verbalizing the happenings
of my life into a story which I then colour up with meanings,
symbols, codes, emphasis, emotions and values – not realizing that
in reality there are no “big moments” or “small moments”
because every breath is the same – every moment of existence is the
same – the only differences come as imagined within our minds
because in matter there is only movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify
moments where things move faster than usual or change direction,
believing these moments to be “more than” those moments where
movement is relatively slower or not changing direction – not
realizing it is all just movement and that all kinds of movement have
their function.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize
my life by thinking I am now living in a “big moment” so that I
could feel good about myself as if I was doing something “great”,
“meaningful” and “valuable” - not realizing that the only
kind of value that matters is the movement that occurs in matter, not
the drama that spins within my mind and leaves no trace on the
physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become
dependent on my friends, family and other social environment to be
there to create my life experience and my stability for me and to
expect them to remain the same so that I wouldn't have to develop
activeness and stability within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become
dependent on the apartment I live in to create a sense of stability
for me, afraid that once I leave my apartment I will not have any
moments of peace and quiet – not realizing that this stability and
security can be found no matter where I'm at, as I have already shown
myself the last time I traveled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
leaving the familiar houses, streets, forests, landscapes, traffic
routes and facilities behind me as I have become dependent on my
surroundings to create my experience of stability and security for
me, not realizing that “knowing where everything is just in case”
is to fearfully prepare myself survival mechanisms and escape routes
as I have not relied on myself to figure out how to survive without
previous knowledge of how things work and where everything is.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I
will not receive help from other people when I'm traveling,
distrusting human kind to not have compassion and to act according to
their prejudice and fear, not realizing that my approach to people
affects their response to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust
that no matter my surroundings anywhere I go I am faced with LIFE and
not some alien reality that is hostile by nature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rely
on myself to survive.
I commit myself to keep myself in breath aware of my inner and outer
movements throughout this trip, and I commit myself to return myself
to breath each and every time there are difficulties to avoid going
into emotions, dramatizing and alienation.
I commit myself to rely on myself to be able to survive with common
sense.
I commit myself to let go of these life surroundings with no regret
nor remorse within and as the realization that I am not my
surroundings, nor is my life.
I commit myself to be an active participant of life no matter where I
go.
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