Day 240: Trouble finding stability

23052013

A couple of nights ago I woke up to an experience I described as a swarm of thoughts attacking me, like a swarm of fish just slammed against me. During this experience, in a half-asleep state, I realized that I am like a fisherman who picks up a fish from a swarm when I choose to believe a thought and ignore another – when I participate in a thought by believing it I make an active choice to “pick it up” when I could instead allow the swarm to swim past me without grabbing any of it.

I have lately been struggling with immense backchat concerning an issue that is here, and last night it got to such an extreme that I walked around town to find a night club where I could dance off my frustration – I didn't find one (each one had crappy music) but the worst frustration wore off simply with the act of vigorous walking. I wrote about it and I read some writings by Bernard which helped me stabilize. I'm starting to see more and more what is actually causing the “swarm of fish” (thoughts) to appear in the first place, and so far it has been an unconscious fear that is triggered by something in my environment (people, events, places, etc). The fear that goes unaddressed is what “drags” me deeper into a psychosis-like state of thoughts bouncing around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the patterns of fear that have been triggered in me and thus allow myself to believe the thoughts that occur as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the thoughts of fear, doubt, blame, suppression, grief and loneliness to a point where I became so frustrated that I was unable to communicate my experience to anyone and needed to release the energy physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these thoughts is real in any way whatsoever because they are based on assumptions and guesses and not on what is actually here in the physical reality.

I commit myself to stop slacking off with my practical application by facing my fears in practice instead of running away from them within and as the realization that nothing that goes on in my mind is actually real and bears no value in terms of actually moving myself HERE in breath in the physical.

I commit myself to continue writing about the fears and points that I have now been facing, be it private or public.

I've realized that I have been slacking off on my process while I've been traveling and that it's now getting back at me with slackier practical application. It is very difficult for me to focus on writing now that I do not have a stable environment to do that in, so I write more rarely and more vaguely. I realize that I now face a challenge where the stability needed for writing has to be found within me alone, and this is a big challenge in itself – so why not fully focus on this, then? Perhaps having a clear guideline would help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because it feels now even more effortful than it did back home, not realizing that as my environment is in constant change I need to give myself extra support to have a proper writing environment every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not publish the writings I have written daily because I have judged them to not be good enough, not realizing that if I gifted myself with the time and support I needed for writing I could finish the writings into a publishable shape.

I commit myself to dedicate myself writing time (pen and paper / computer) within the waking hours of each and every day no matter where I am, and I commit myself to ensure myself proper privacy, silence and physical support (food/drink/sitting surface/lighting) within and as the realization that this “writing space” can be created anywhere with little effort.

When and as I resist doing my daily writing, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that if I do not write my practical application will become more slacky and that this will lead to all kinds of unpleasant and unnecessary emotional experiences. I check my surroundings to see if there is something I could do to improve my writing environment. I check myself for any excuses/justifications to not write and I clear these out with self-honesty.

I commit myself to write even if it's something I cannot publish in my blog within and as the realization that even though it is important to share so that others would find support I am writing mainly for myself.