It's been my first day abroad and I have had some pains adjusting. First off, I've been having a heavy jet-lag because I kinda skipped one night of sleep because of hopping over time zones - plus I've had a bunch of other physical malfunctions, such as weariness of feet, dehydration and digestion pains. Regardless of these obvious physical symptoms demanding care, I felt like I cannot just sit around and I have to get moving and have to start doing stuff now that I'm here. "I don't want to waste any time!" So I made myself leave the hostel and leave out to town, but I soon realized what I was doing and slowed down.
One of the first challenges I have noticed is the language barrier. It is so much easier to contact with unknown people if you even have a common language to communicate with - but here very few know english (or they're reluctant to use it) and I know no korean - only japanese, although it has proven to be of little help. On top of this language thing many avoid having contact with foreigners or even have prejudice towards them. It is weird being a stared-at minority; I haven't seen a single westerner today besides myself. When I was still carrying my rucksack older people would gape and sigh at me, lol.
But I have also challenged myself to come out of the apathy of alienation. I have seen it is in fact relatively easy to get in contact with another: all it requires is that I actually see the other without fear and treat them with kindness. So far, though, I've only done this with old people and village loons, lol. There's a lot of university students here but I've found facing them a bit more difficult. (A fear here, yes, the judgement of my equals weighs more than that of others.)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my surroundings are "alien" because the architecture was strange to me and I interpreted this experience of unfamiliarity through my physical nausea, seeing only the negative as all I could feel in my physical existence was negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alienated from other people because I was unable to spot another being of the same ethnicity/group* as me, looking for safety in "my kin" and thus separating myself from others as I have not seen them as beings one with and equal to me - not seeing myself in them or them in myself - and making my experience of oneness dependent on my definition of the ethnicity/group* where I "belong".
[* Here "group" because any ethnicity outside the Asian majority would have been fine with me.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my sense of stability ("belonging in life" / recognizing myself as life) dependent on the people who surround me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the people here will judge me based on my ethnicity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see non-natives so that they could make me feel "welcome" within the "unity" of "us aliens".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the natives' body language, tone and gestures according to my fear of judgement, thus believing everyone who isn't overtly friendly to judge me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I cannot waste any of my travel time to "doing nothing" - hearing the voices of others telling me "You did nothing? What a waste of time!" - not realizing that to aim to do something "special" all the time is to run after energy experiences and "achievements" instead of allowing myself to stop, breathe and freely express myself within the environment I am in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that others expect me to "do a lot" while I travel, as if this experience hoarding was the only point of traveling, living my trip according to my imagined "expectations of others" so that I would be accepted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through others by for example thinking that if I do not "do a lot" my trip will have been a waste of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my trip will be a "waste of money", not realizing that there are many ways to utilize one's time traveling, not just hasty, tourist-y sightseeing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to travel so that I would have a cool story to tell afterwards, disregarding the actual moment of living within and as the "story" and creating lived life as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself separate from the Asian ethnicity because they look different from me and because I have perceived them to "all look the same" - not opening my eyes to the wonderful diversity that exists within every ethnicity, including this. (I have had so much fun people-watching!)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by not allowing it peace and rest by judging myself for resting and motivating myself to move through guilt, not necessity.
I commit myself to keep myself open to approach by keeping my eyes open and gaze on the eye level, and also by keeping my body (especially chest) open and relaxed.
I commit myself to challenge myself to initiate contact with people and to not get discouraged if I get a negative response.
I commit myself to face my fears and blocks concerning different ethnicities within and as the realization that ethnicity itself makes no difference in the practical reality besides on differing genetic codes.
I commit myself to realize I am LIFE no matter what the response of my surroundings is.
When and as I react to an external trigger with fear and perceive and believe my environment to judge me - I stop, I breathe and I realize that whatever it is that I'm taking personally is a mind-connection imagined and created by me. I realize that I'm giving value to the opinions of others because I have gotten used to defining myself according to them. I realize this value of me is completely imaginary as the value of each is the same. I breathe and SF myself out of the experience and move on.
I commit myself to allow myself to just be during this trip and to take things easy within and as the realization that in three months there is plenty of time to do stuff - just look at what this one day has been!
I commit myself to be watchful of my body's needs and requirements especially now that I am out of reach of my usual healthcare.
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