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| fuck off, I'm busy |
06032013
I was planning on continuing to write about music but I got stuck. I lived out a pattern of self-sabotage
today which I will open up as the experience now faded enough for me
to move again.
This self-sabotage began with me
working in spite of my resistance towards my tasks – and I
emphasize the word “spite” because I wasn't pushing through the
resistances by letting them go, but instead more like saying “fuck
you” to myself as the resistance, like turning my back to myself
completely when I should've assisted and supported myself to stop and
face the initial resistance towards my tasks. There was resistance, I
noticed the resistance, I decided to not deal with it with the
justification that I had a lot to do (“I can't afford to stop
now”), and I accumulated the stress caused by this moment after
moment, decision after decision until I was once again at such a
state where my body was shutting down and I was forced to have a
break. I realized I'm repeating a pattern, and so I laid down,
stabilized myself within breath, let go of all my tasks and “have
to's” and relaxed my body.
This is the same thing that happened to
me before, as described in the post I have to keep moving, almost
exactly identical in fact. This time around I didn't get any physical
pain, but a feeling of constraint in all of my being, like I was
being squeezed inside a fist.
So today I did get stuff done, but
concerning the state I am in now and the loss of time and energy on
solving this mess it was not worth it. Some factors contributing to
my state of being today have been the overconsumption of sugar and
being completely out of breath for the entire day.
--
07032013
I am continuing with this for the
second day because I was unable to continue further yesterday. It has
been a good decision because today from the morning onwards I was
more aware of myself and the inner movements that caused yesterday's
experience.
I decided to pay attention to all
moments when I create resistance to do something – to not accept
and allow any of those moments to slip by unnoticed as I did
yesterday. It was interesting because the very first moment of
resistance I noticed was when waking up, which is unusual to me
because normally I get up with no trouble at all. My reaction to my
alarm was *ring ring* “I don't wanna” instead of the usual *ring
ring* “yes, now I get up”. And the very second moment of
resistance came when I wondered into the kitchen and saw the dishes I
had been piling up for days: “I don't want to” was again my
response.
So these small moments of resistance
came and went and I tried to face them as much as possible. However,
we were so busy at work today that despite my efforts to keep myself
in check the frustration accumulated to a point where I had an
argument with my work partner.
What I'm seeing here is that right now
as my situation is somewhat demanding concerning my work load I
create resistance towards small things more easily – the threshold
for my resistances to be triggered is really low. As these small
triggers keep firing from my first waking moments it's no wonder that
by the evening I literally can't carry myself on my feet anymore.
So as I ignore a moment of resistance I
actually give the resistance permission to exist, and I accept and
allow it to take hold of me. It's like I'm closing my eyes and hoping
that it will go away – but again, through spite and with a “fuck
you” because I'm tired of these resistances existing. So when I see
that there is resistance the reaction is like “why the fuck are you
here?” because I'm tired of dealing with the same shit and would
like to be done with it already.
So hold on here. Let's have a closer
look at this. I'm now looking at a specific moment from yesterday
where I was doing sewing work and thought I would watch something at
the same time. I had an urge to watch some silly TV shows, but I
shoved this desire to have a laugh aside and thought “NO. I will
instead watch this documentary.” and ignored the uncomfortable
feeling (of suppression) that was left lingering. The tone of the
“NO” was more specifically “no, you idiot! God, here we go
again with this stupid desire to waste time on entertainment”. So I
quietly allowed a shitload of judgement to come up completely
unnoticed.
So, to further simplify, the chain of
command is: (null point) – desire – reaction – judgement –
suppression – action – resistance towards action. The desire then
lingers and the action is half-assed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to turn my back on myself when I need my
self-support and -assistance the most.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to an arising point with frustration and
continue on to judge myself for the point, when I should instead be
forgiving myself and directing the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to choose to ignore a point instead of directing
it, not realizing that ignoring the point will not change it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to an arising point with frustration
because I fear facing who I have accepted and allowed myself to
become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to seeing a point I have seen in myself
before with fear because it is an indication that I have not been
living according to my commitment and need to have a closer look at
what I'm doing and make a re-assessment of my starting point –
which I fear doing because I would then have to admit that I have
“failed” and not reached the ideal form I want to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create and uphold an ideal about who I should
become as I walk my process and constantly give myself feedback about
how far or close I am to the ideal. [This I need to elaborate on.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and judge myself to have “failed”
when a point re-surfaces, because this brings out the fear that I
will never be able to change, that I will always fail – not
realizing that this is an emotionally filtered view of what is
actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to view my situation through despair and thus
perceive it to be more serious and dramatic than it actually is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as a point re-surfaces it is
simply an indicator that there is something I missed the last time I
was facing this point and that it would benefit me and everyone and
everything else that I had another look at the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the consequence of me not
going through a point thoroughly is that the point will re-surface –
this is pure mathematics of cause and effect – and that the
consequence of this action in itself does not hold any kind of value
(in this case: negative) unless I assign it a value by separating the
point from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not want to see myself as one and equal to the
consequences of my actions (the points that re-surface when I have
not been thorough).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the consequences of my
actions because facing them and seeing myself as one and equal to
them would be too uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive having a point re-surface as
“negative” as I have not wanted to stand as one with and equal to
the point and rather separated it from myself to have it somewhere
outside of myself in the “negative” compartment where it could be
judged without me getting judged.
I commit myself, when and as a point I
have already been dealing with comes up again in my living, to stop,
breathe and face the myself as the point in question – myself as
living as the point. I take note of any and all judgement towards the
point (self-judgement towards myself) which may be seen in violent
backchat or resistance to face the point. If there is resistance to
face the point, I stop, breathe and return myself here, and remind
myself that the point is and will be here whether I face it or not,
and that by running away from it I make sure I will not change. I
then utilize self-forgiveness to let go of the the self-judgement and
when I am done with this I will proceed to dealing with the initial
point that I reacted to.
I commit myself to realize that if I
turn my back on myself by being spiteful towards myself, I deny
myself the only source of support that I can actually rely on and
thus live as self-sabotage.
I commit myself to realize that to
truly love and care for myself is to be there for myself
unconditionally, like a parent to a child.
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