lauantai 2. maaliskuuta 2013

Days 161-162: I have to keep moving


01-02032013

a self-caricature: "What do you mean, 'aren't you tired'?!"

Yesterday I had had somewhat of an intense day when in the evening four hours before my usual bed time my body shut down and refused to move anymore. A pain had been accumulating in my left shoulder, and once the pain spread out into my left ear and a burdensome fatigue arose I realized I have to stop. I was completely surprised by this, because to me my day had seemed pretty usual: work in the morning, studies and writing in the afternoon, more work in the evening – and I hadn't even had to leave the house so my environment had been peaceful and ordinary. So I laid myself down and allowed myself to just stop, and when I had actually stopped and felt my physical stabilizing itself as I focused onto my breath and let go of my tasks (all the physical pain disappeared within minutes) I realized I hadn't really allowed myself to stop in a long while.

I have been very busy and had a lot to do in a short period of time. So my daily, weekly and monthly schedule has been pretty much the same for the past two months, ever since this year begun. I'm realizing this routine is taking a toll on me. I feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel with no escape even though I know this will end relatively soon – the treat of freedom waiting for me at the end of this narrow tunnel just isn't enough of a motivator for me to squeeze through. I'm halfway there and I'm getting hopeless because I don't look at all the things I have actually gotten done and instead mull over the list of things I still need to do. I crave for entertainment, rest, relaxation, sex, intimacy, socializing, food, sugar, sleeping – any and all the things I find relaxing and enjoyable - more than ever because I am not allowing myself any. I'm eating myself up with no rewards – like a slave working with whippings in place of sleep.

I realize this dramatized view I'm living as is the cause of me resisting my tasks, which is why I crave for release to balance things off. There is resistance because the things I need to do are not the things I would want to do. I tell myself “I don't want to do this” as I work and create obstacles where there aren't any. Why do I do this even though I know it will only make working harder and slower?

So last night and today I've been giving myself a break by resting when possible and when it seems like I need it. I've tried to return myself to only concerning myself with those tasks that are at hand and setting aside those that aren't. This has allowed me to focus more on what I'm doing as I'm not stressing about everything else. I used to have backchat about rest where I would debate whether it's necessary or not, but now it's been gone for a while. Maybe it's about realizing the difference between wanting to rest and actually requiring rest, as when I create a thought about resting and the desire to rest I am already acting upon mind energy even though the original impulse to rest would have been real, because I then also create the polarity: fear of not resting / resistance to continuing work.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and listen to my physical body when it tells me it requires rest – rest here meaning perhaps just stopping, breathing and lying down for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to rest because I have a lot of work to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my health by not stopping to listen to the requirements of my physical body, continuing to move feeding off on mind energy, not realizing the consequences of this in the long run are devastating to my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself running on mind energy even though my physical requires rest because I have a lot of work to be done, not realizing that as I feed myself with mind energy as thoughts that keep me going – “you have to do this”, “a little more and then we're done”, “you can't stop here”, “you've got to finish this”, “you could spend this moment more usefully”, “I can't waste my time with this” - I am eating off of my own flesh and thus the quality of my work will suffer as well as I am not working from within a healthy body that is able to live up to its full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose demands, threats and manipulation to myself within my thoughts, not realizing that this is not supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I push myself to work using my thoughts I get things done more efficiently, not realizing that real efficiency is when the engine runs smoothly and well-greased, in other words, when there is no resistance and only pure movement and thus no pushing required.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face and direct my resistance concerning the tasks I don't want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out of the sense of duty because the things I don't want to do are things I have promised to do months ago and because we are in a situation where I cannot leave my tasks without tens of people suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the suffering of others as a motivator because it is something I fear and will move to keep away from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I fail my tasks or drop them completely the people that would carry the consequences would resent, hate, despise and bad-mouth me and be very angry and disappointed with me and that I would be alienated from these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express my will to no longer take on more tasks like this and instead focus on what I actually find relevant because I fear I will face anger and all sorts of forms of aggression springing from it, as well as manipulation, passing guilt and blame and all other tactics that have already been used on me and on others by these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the manipulation attempts of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of another to my self-honest self-expression, this implying I am not certain in what I express – I am not certain in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the reactions of another personally because she blames them on others so assertively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to react in the way I have seen her react before and prepare myself accordingly, not realizing that no matter the likelihood I cannot know what will happen in the future as everything is created HERE in the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can affect the outcome of the situation by focusing on myself, my stance and my starting point and by trusting myself to be able to communicate with another in a way that aims to solve any and all conflicts – that I do have directive power over the interaction even though I don't have all of it.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire positive experiences as energy to balance off the stress I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my desire is justified because I stress, not realizing that here I am blaming the stress on someone else (the ones I am working for / the world / my ambition and honor as entities) instead of carrying responsibility for creating the stress myself, which invalidates the justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my stress on theatre because I am working on big, time-consuming projects for the theatre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my stress on the world for “demanding too much of me” because I “have to” work at a paid job which I find a waste of time when I'd have “more important” unpaid stuff to do – not realizing that even though this world system of paid slavery really sucks it is my system and that if I want it to change I've got to work to change it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse and justify my stress by thinking of myself as an honorable person who keeps her promises, glorifying my suffering while also separating myself from myself as the creator of the stress and the one who has the power to stop the stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my desires when I have accumulated them for long enough and see them to be justified because of my great suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for external comfort when I am in internal turmoil, not realizing that the only way to bring about lasting change is by stabilizing myself into a platform of self-comfort, self-support and self-assistance – not by treating the symptoms and ignoring the cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate my stress for such a long time that I create and fulfill desires in order to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop to address my stress sooner.



I commit myself to return myself to breath whenever I notice I am not breathing by taking a deep breath, stopping to explore my breath as it moves my body, enjoying the moment of nothing but breathing, realizing why breathing is supportive, forgiving myself for falling out of breath and carrying on with whatever I was doing.

I commit myself to stop myself completely when I would least want to, as this resistance to stop is the indication that I am not moving as breath but as the mind, and to explore what this act of stopping brings about.

Ei kommentteja:

Lähetä kommentti