Day 174: Planning for efficiency

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From A to B to C and - GOAL!

Earlier today I wrote about the fear of inefficiency and wasting time in my DIP Lite assignment. There had been encounters with people which revealed that I strive towards efficiency in certain situations no matter the means because I cannot “waste time”. When the interaction becomes “inefficient” despite my efforts (is not “efficient” the way I planned it) I get frustrated and override others to get the situation “back on track” (following my plan).

So as I was lying on the floor just now recovering from a negative energy peak (something stress related, I hit a wall of resistance again), breathing and releasing my muscles from the tension I had locked them into, I noticed restlessness within me. “I cannot lie down like this. I've got to do something. I have a lot to do. I planned on doing this and this and this.”

It's interesting to start seeing the change in myself as I now see that these restless thoughts are in fact not me – unless I participate in them and thus “make them real” through me living as them. I have had a few days of low focus and I've easily went along with my backchat and thoughts, but here I saw that these thoughts (as the same words and phrases keep reappearing situation after situation) are in fact just lines of code that form the patterns I am built on. The thoughts I quoted above are automatic responses to certain conditions.

A key thing with this inefficiency thing seems to be planning future moments and expecting something from them. Whether they are fulfilled or not doesn't matter because I react either way. I had planned on getting my stuff done efficiently and nothing disturbing me, and when this plan got “broken” (I lost my efficiency as I got disturbed with more work demands) I went into utter resistance where I refused to do the things I needed to do and couldn't do the things I wanted to do.

As I plan my life to go according to these efficient optimized routes I ignore the fact that life does not work this way because I cannot predict the movements of all the other living beings and particles of this reality; I cannot even predict mine, yet my movements are the only ones I can control. So instead of looking for efficiency in plans and mindsets that are in the past and future but never really HERE I should be looking for efficiency in moments lived within and as breath, because only when I am truly here as my physical existence and not in my mind am I able to see the moment for what it is as all the possibilities, opportunities, open doors and routes available.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my actions on plans that have been constructed around guesswork and assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my guesswork and assumptions to be trustworthy information, not realizing they are not based on the reality even though they may involve calculating probabilities which sounds credible but is in fact just guesswork like any other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel validated when my calculated scenarios have been fulfilled, as if the act of calculating probabilities was valid and I had “succeeded”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my worst-case scenarios have been fulfilled, not realizing that regarding worst-case scenarios there is always fear and that I manifest that which I fear and that I am thus responsible for bringing about the worst-case scenario – and not those who I try to pass the blame on through frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my actions because I am afraid that if I live without plans I will get nothing done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to live my life efficiently without plans and thus hold on to planning because I have been afraid to rely on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate and alienate myself from myself as an active being that moves within and as breath, making decisions and choices about that which is here when it is here, as I have believed the fear of relying on myself as breath to be valid as this is what my society has taught me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that human beings are unable to function without planning – not realizing that we are primarily animals and that animals do not plan and still function perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I did not plan my life it would end up in chaos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is necessary to plan because “how else would I keep track of everything” - not realizing that the fraction of this “everything” that is actual practical issues I am able to map out with very little time and effort, and that the rest of it is the unnecessary guesswork, imagination and calculations (goals and worst-case scenarios) in my mind that need to be organized, piled, archived, evaluated, assessed, connected and integrated – and that therefore keeping track of everything relevant doesn't require me to plan but to map out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear chaos, not realizing that chaos is a consequence of my actions, and that to fear chaos (self-afflicted consequences) is thus to live as self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every moment preceding chaos holds the possibility to remove, avoid or lessen chaos.

I'll continue with this.