maanantai 25. helmikuuta 2013

Days 156-157: I want to be an actor - part 2


24-25022013

2012


This post is a continuation to:


Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.


“It would be so awesome to be a pro”

The idealized image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance, validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have trained myself in the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the path I lay out before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me, when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be involved with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism, arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual world where actual work is to be done.


“I can't let my talent go to waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked with and seen at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception of others and how I compare to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition – in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could elevate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I compared myself to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones” who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur (uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the professional field from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in” perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have so much to give”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from others relied on my talents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking myself why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant / destined to be famous”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality) was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and disempowering the masses through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no actual practical purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply through self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many people as possible could see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest (elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited and utilized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it can be used for both constructing and destroying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use them for something constructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so, but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.



I commit myself to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big scale will come about when/if it is necessary.

I commit myself to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will always consider that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world would then change.

I commit myself to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I will need to be aware of my breath all the time.

I commit myself to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself about this.

I commit myself to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression, play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in myself and my own actions and processes.

I commit myself to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a mirror and to explore myself with.

I commit myself to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the society and to re-create it time and time again.

I commit myself to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and direct myself to whichever direction I choose.

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