02-03122012
From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this when there's actual work to be done?”
As I started to write more specifically about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of these issues."
- Eager for responsibilities
- What am I actually doing (self-honest assessment)
- What is “enough”
--
What am I actually doing (self-honest assessment) --
At
the moment one of my major time thieves is working to survive. I work
5 days a week 6 hours a day at a cafe – no more than that, which is
awesome as I used to work a lot more – I survive just fine with
this amount of work, and I'm glad I found a job that doesn't require
me to work any more than that. This job is pretty much irrelevant
concerning its contribution to the world's urgent demands, as cafes
as well as restaurants are mostly just another manifestation of the
search for comfort and escapism. It does offer me a chance to face a
lot of people and my patterns and characters concerning this type of
work, which is what I mainly utilize it for.
I
also occasionally do extra work at a wine restaurant by washing
dishes. This is no more than 15-25 hours a month, and again I utilize
this work environment to face a very certain kind of a group of
people and any points that surface among them. This is work I
wouldn't need for my survival, but I'm doing it anyway because I was
asked to and because I'm saving money for a trip I'm going to make
next summer.
I've
been asking myself whether this trip I'm planning is actually
necessary. So far I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty much
up to me to make it substantial – if the reason I do it is not to
“go on a holiday”, I think it'll be a cool chance to learn. About
what? I don't know. I guess I'll face it as it comes. Where I'm going
is still open: I do know my primary location, as I have a chance to
visit a friend at a place where one has few chances to go to and to
be introduced to a completely different culture by someone who
actually lives there. The rest of the trip is yet unplanned aside
from who I'll be traveling with for some part.
Besides
two jobs I also work unpaid for the amateur theatre I've been
managing for some time. This consumes a lot of my time, as I
currently work as an actor in two projects; I produce, costume, stage
and make music for another play which I've also written; and I manage
the position of the secretary, meaning I deal with some PR and
paperwork. In the past I have been really overworked with my theatre
responsibilities, and when this season began I tried not to take on
too much – I did take on less than before, but I still feel like
I'm doing way more than I should. The problem is I don't yet see
whether or not the activity actually produces anything concrete, as I
have just now started to question it. I'm starting to see how our
theatre has been managed from such a starting point that creates
conflict and separation, but as I'm already at an “influential
position” I see that I have a chance to affect how things are run
and what the policy is, and that just quitting now would be giving up
and refusing to do anything about the issues I see. Whether the rest
of the group is willing to co-operate is another issue, then. So I
stay – I discuss – I do what is possible – and see how it goes.
Besides
these I've been taking on independent studying, meaning I've started
to read books (education sciences, theatre sciences, psychology,
history, leadership), go through the Desteni material (articles and
audio) and watch documentaries and movies on various subjects. I
would like to study a lot more, but I simply don't have time for it –
and I find this a problem. One reason I'm writing this segment is to
see if there's some irrelevant activities I'm holding onto that could
be let go of in favor of studying.
And
I write. This takes surprisingly much time to do properly. I feel
like my writing is very slow, and also because I've been writing out
a lot of private stuff I'm not ready to publish I've been struggling
to write both the private and the public stuff simultaneously, as
well as keep up with the DIP Lite course – even though I write
every day, I don't post into my blog every day, and the texts spread
out on multiple days. I see this is a point in myself about
expectations – trying to live up to some ideal that states how much
I “should” write in a day. The fact that I write at least
something and make progress is enough – at least I'm moving, even
if it's just a little.
--
Alright.
Now that I slept on it it's easier to see why I wanted to write about
this in the first place. With the text above I wrote yesterday I was
trying to convince myself that I'm doing “enough”. Assessing
one's situation is a good thing to do, because one might be missing
some really important and even obvious things simply by living within
one's situation and never stopping to look at what's actually
happening. However, I have lately been going into guilt for
apparently “not doing enough” - and this is because I have
created myself an ideal I push myself towards, not realizing that I
will never reach that ideal as it morphs and grows more distant the
more I move towards it. Even if I were to reach my ideal, I would
soon create a new one to get that energy high of success again and
again. So now as I've been making some changes in my life I'm facing
a wall as the changes I've made are just not enough to reach my ideal
image, even though they are good and necessary changes and probably
the best I can do right now. Another thing is patience – wanting
results right now instead of realizing it takes a lot of time and
consistency to live out actual change.
So:
I am glad I went through the assessment, because it gave me
perspective on how I'm living my life right now – and I see what
partly motivated me to do it, which I will now walk through.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create
myself and try to live up to an ideal as an image in my mind where
everything I do undoubtedly supports and assist that which is best
for all and where all of my time as minutes, hours and days is
divided perfectly to those actions that need to be done – not
realizing that by projecting myself into an image of perfection I
will never reach perfection as then I am living as a two-dimensional
image of perfection and not realizing what this “perfection” is
in this multi-dimensional reality - and that perfection as a goal is
in itself misleading as that which I am walking towards is not
“flawlessness” as the word “perfect” would suggest but more
of an awareness of each and every one of my actions and movements –
returning myself to be the one who moves myself in every breath,
which I've shown myself is not an unrealistic goal.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an
ideal image for myself by comparing myself to others by seeing in
others what I perceive myself to lack - not realizing that as the act
of comparison is not valid in this context – the goal of comparison
being to deduce the differences and similarities between two objects,
which does not apply here because it has already been deduced that
each human being walks an individual process and within that stands
as one and equal to all – the image is based on the fears and
desires that drove me to do the comparison in the first place, and as
the image is based on fear/desire it will in no way assist me in my
process of returning myself to life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want/need/desire to become my ideal image and in that, fear that I
will not become my ideal image, the fear of not reaching my goal
containing the fear that I will be “left behind”, “not
accepted”, “useless” and “judged”, and the desire of
reaching my goal containing the desire to be “included”,
“accepted”, “useful” and “praised” - not realizing that
this fear/desire indicates that what I am without the image is “not
enough”, which is why I reject myself by wanting to become someone
else / fearing I will not become someone else – this being a sign
that my goal to become my ideal as the refusal of myself is nothing
but self-hate and fear of self and abdicating my responsibility of
myself by not facing myself as I am.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape
myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become by
creating images I little by little push myself towards, not realizing
that when I do not face myself as I am I will not be able to deduce
what it is I can actually do – what is the “next step” I am
able to take in my process to return myself to life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I cannot foresee how and where to I will walk my process, and
that creating an image that dictates how and where to my process
would go is thus a limitation.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust
myself to be able to walk my process within and as self-honesty and
self-support without the “guidelines” of a pre-determined ideal
image.
When
and as I notice myself comparing myself to others concerning my
process as writing, studying and committing myself to action – I
stop, breathe and realize the act of comparison is not valid in this
context as all of our processes are individual and within that one
and equal – I will then check my starting point for fear/desire,
take note of the points I locate, forgive myself, make sure I am here
within and as breath and carry on with what I was doing in the
physical.
I
commit myself to investigate the word “perfection” as how I have
charged the word and what it links to.
I
commit myself to no longer use the phrase “strive for perfection”,
as I now see, realize and understand it contains a charge that I have
used to abuse myself.
I
commit myself to investigate the ways I have been living as
self-hate, as I now see, realize and understand that it has been a
major defining point for me for most of my life.
When
and as I notice myself being impatient with myself, I commit myself
to stop, bring myself here by focusing on my breath and take note of
the thoughts that manifested impatience – I commit myself to walk
through these points of impatience one by one in writing in order to
support and assist myself to walk my process without pressuring
myself.
I
commit myself to build self-trust by stabilizing myself here within
and as breath in order to be able to walk my process wherever it
goes.
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