Day 56: Grief as escapism

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I've been going through a kind of a break-up simulation – living through the experience of “the end of a relationship” defined within the relationship game/system/entity even though my situation is actually nothing like that. I've been living in an agreement that has been going downhill for various reasons I'm now processing, and as we decided to call it off the relationship entity I have been living as interpreted the situation to be a “break-up” as that is the closest I get when directed by the already-existing patterns in my mind. As I've now been living within the experience for a few days I'm starting to see the falsities the experience is constructed of.

I already wrote about the hope dimension found within the statement “I hope we'll get back together”. Another I wish to write about is the character I found within sadness: the weak persona. As I've been living with the sensation of sadness in my body – and the associated thought patterns running through my mind – I have changed my behavior accordingly. Yesterday I shared about my situation to a family member, and I noticed that my overall expression during the time we spent together became passive: movements insecure, limp and passive; voice weak and quiet; participation inactive; all of this portraying helplessness, powerlessness and tiredness – accepting and allowing myself to be weak. It's like saying “I'm so small” in a situation where everyone supports that statement, because “of course she's sad, she's going through a break-up”, and thus having a safe spot to live as smallness.

As the weakness as physical symptoms (weakness and meekness) still continued today I started to get irritated with it. I was telling myself to pick myself up and saying “I really dislike this personality, it's not who I am, I wish it would stop”, and that's when I stopped to realize I can't do it this way either, because that disliking will soon turn into self-hate and that would just be self-abuse. Saying “I wish it would stop” is to place the responsibility to direct myself outside of myself, and I did that because I hadn't looked into how to make this experience stop and dissolve the persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the “break-up” experience is real, not realizing it is the relationship system within me that responds to my actual situation according to the system's thought patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake the “break-up” experience as emotions, fears and thought patterns to be related to my actual situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts, emotions, fears and hopes to be “who I am”, not realizing I am not my mind and that all of these experiences are an illusion to distract me from facing that which is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of grief to be real, not realizing it doesn't correlate with what I'm actually going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to grieve the loss of something is to believe one had something, when in fact nothing can be owned and thus nothing can actually be lost, and that grief is in fact not valid.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I grieve the loss of something I project myself into the past when I still “had” that something, refusing to face the reality that is here, because I fear facing the reality “without” that which I perceive myself to have lost.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize grief is in fact escapism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through sadness/grief and thus live as the weak persona, not realizing I have been validating the emotional experience of sadness by acting according to it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the sadness I've experienced, not realizing it is just energy and that it is not who I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the weak persona and thus portray weakness, powerlessness, helplessness and tiredness, secretly wanting to “fall” for a moment in an environment that accepts and allows it, as I have believed it is “tiring” to stand within myself as myself as I walk through my situation and that “falling” is ok.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is ok to “fall” within a selected group of people who support that belief, not realizing I am then living as separation as I separate the “safe” environment (a delusion / facade) from the rest of the world.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse “falling” by thinking “I need a break”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive walking my process as tiring.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I give in to the resistance I face as I walk my process I create the experience of tiredness.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe “I need a break” from my process because it is “tiring”, not realizing I'm giving in to the resistance myself and creating the experience of tiredness myself and that I am thus directing my situation towards tiredness myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I direct my experience into tiredness and then state there's nothing I can do about it (“I need a break” = “I give up”), I am abdicating my responsibility over my own creation.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving in to the resistance is a solution to my tiredness as I then “get to” have a break, not realizing I create the tiredness in the same moment I believe myself to solve it, and that the acts of giving up and buying into my own delusion are the one and the same.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the tiredness does not exist before I give in to it – that I create the tiredness when and as I give in to it, not realizing it was never there before I gave in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it's escapism to live as the weak persona, as within/as the persona I abdicate my responsibility to direct myself and move myself from the conditions I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as the weak persona to limit and suppress my self-expression by adapting my physical movements and voices to the persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as the weak persona to limit and suppress my self-expression by not sharing my experience in its entirety and choosing my words so that I could avoid uncomfortable questions.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortable questions, not realizing I am afraid to face and answer those questions myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid uncomfortable questions by limiting my self-expression as speech.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the weak persona to portray helplessness, powerlessness and tiredness to the people I'm with as an attempt to gain sympathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as the weak persona in order to get the excuse to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation as I didn't let go of the weak persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I “dislike” what I see I'm accepting and allowing myself to be when I simply do not agree with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as impatience as I have expected myself to let go of a personality faster, even though I had not yet properly walked through it, and then react with irritation when my expectation was not fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I resent the personality I live as I stop myself from facing the personality as it is, as through resentment it is impossible to embrace that which I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as self-hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the tools to actually letting go of a persona are here in the physical as movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to move myself out of an experience by thinking it's the experience's responsibility to change itself (“I wish it would stop”) – not realizing that the experience is of the mind and that the mind as my directive principle is not going to stop itself.

I commit myself, when and as I live as the weak persona, to stop, breathe, realize this is not who I am, forgive myself and physically move myself out of the experience.

I commit myself to study the weak persona in order to find out what triggers it.

I commit myself, when and as I go into sadness/grief, to stop, breathe and remind myself these emotions are the mind's illusion and thus they are not who I actually am.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers sadness/grief within me and to write them down for further deconstructing.

I commit myself to stop sadness/grief immediately when and as they occur, as I now see and realize that they will accumulate if I do not.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to walk through my process within and as myself by stabilizing myself here in the physical.