Day 54: Twenty years of silence

14112012

I have discovered two new major points that intertwine so much that I'll now write about where I've gotten with both and continue separately depending on where I go from here.

I have been working my way back to being here for a while now. As I have been facing the fact that I am alone within my experience and that I will always be just me, I have been slowed down by the fear of being by myself / fear of loneliness. I've gone through this fear from the perspective that I actually do not have anything to fear in myself, which has been good to do, but I have missed something essential about the fear of loneliness. I realized it's the result of a lifetime of projecting myself onto others. I have lived outside of myself for my entire life, defining myself according to the people I'm surrounded by.

I realized this by testing out asking myself when with another person: “Who am I with this person?” instead of “Who is this person?”. The results were instant. I saw myself acting on autopilot all the time. When I asked myself “who am I here” I grew more aware of myself, my movements, my voice, my body as a whole – my being as a whole – for some short moments being actually in control of my movements without the mind in-between. Obviously I can't keep on asking this one question for my entire life and believe that to be a solution, but it is a step that takes me closer to stability.

So what I need to do with this point in addition to practical application is to go through my past major relationships, such as parents, siblings, partners, friends and teachers/mentors, to see how exactly I have projected myself and lived outside of myself through others. I have once had an opportunity to actually face this point: When my last long relationship ended a few years ago I was crushed by the fear of loneliness. Back then all of what I had been crumbled and I was in a state where I faced myself for the first time since childhood – but as I gave in to the experience of emotional pain I didn't go through with it completely and instead turned to spiritualism as escapism. Now I'm back at a similar point and have a chance of dealing with it properly. I see I'm living one big time loop and don't want to do that anymore.

The other major point I've been opening up is passiveness. I've received feedback for years about it: “You seem distant”, “you're a loner, aren't you”, “Emmi's such an independent woman”, “I wish you'd open up to me”, “please talk to me”, “I've always thought you're a kind of a hermit that doesn't want to be disturbed”, you know, being silent, secluded, solitary, mysterious and withdrawn. I've believed that's who I am. I've believed the mysterious loner persona to be my true self, that it is my “nature” to be silent.

I've now realized that is not the case. The thing is, I have for a long time believed that if I do not have an impulse to act – such as a desire or a need or a clear objective – there's no reason for me to act. Thus I have moved only when there's a clear goal for it, which has been quite rare. The rest of the time I have not moved and nothing has happened. I've created a personality to justify not moving: the “I don't care” or “I don't have to” personality.

I have not realized movement is just movement, that it happens for the sake of moving and doesn't require an energetic impulse. Thus I have not shared, expressed or communicated myself to others, because “I didn't have to” or “I didn't have a reason to”, not realizing what it actually is to share, express and communicate myself as I am. This personality has been a convenient place to hide and avoid facing my fears because no one has ever questioned it – it has been “who I am” in the eyes of others as well as mine.

I've been testing this in practice by facing customers at work. I have hated small-talk as I've perceived it to be talking useless shit just out of politeness, but I've realized those small conversations are not like that if I don't live them that way. So I've first worked with the first point I wrote about – who am I with this person – and then examined conversation as movement, which has led to some small and enjoyable conversations with customers. As I don't initiate the conversation out of fear but as pure movement, it doesn't become that pretended “niceness”.

I'll start out with some self-forgiveness and see where it takes me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become secluded by not sharing, expressing and communicating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all movement is self-expression - expressing who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from conversation because I have believed I have no reason to move myself, ending up just listening and not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share, express and communicate myself as I have believed I have no reason to move myself if the movement has no clear goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I require an energetic experience to move myself, not realizing that too serves a goal - to acquire what I desire and avoid what I fear – instead of being movement for the sake of movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize moving oneself for the sake of movement is enjoyable in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise small-talk because of how I've experienced it both as a customer and a server, not realizing I have made those experiences uncomfortable for myself by succumbing to the fake politeness instead of fulfilling my part in the interaction by standing up and communicating within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “by nature” silent, withdrawn and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not moving by believing it is “who I am”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify nothing happening by blaming the world for it, not carrying my responsibility at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the connection between not moving and nothing happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have realised my lack of movement is a problem, to fall into self-blame, despair and powerlessness, not realising I could simply move myself out of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the solution to nothing happening is to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the “I don't care” personality, not realizing the extent of the impact passiveness / not caring has on the world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sharing, expressing and communicating serves the single purpose of me living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I've suppressed and limited myself by living as the “I don't care” personality.

I commit myself to further investigate how I move within my reality.

I commit myself to further investigate how I project myself onto others and live outside of myself.

I commit myself, when and as I project myself onto others, to breathe and return myself here and investigate how and why I projected myself away from myself.

I commit myself to investigate who I am with different people in different situations in order to locate what I'm accepting and allowing myself to live as.

I commit myself to further expand in writing what I discover as I investigate these points.

I commit myself to practice my breathing in order to return here and in time stabilize myself as my directive principle.

I commit myself to walk these points until they're done.