Days 36-37: "Is she going to hug me?"

26-28102012

I noticed an interesting reaction within myself a couple of days ago. We had just performed the anorexia play and after the bows a bunch of the audience members, who were apparently very familiar with the other two actors (probably neighbors and friends), came up to us and were so moved by the performance that they hugged us. At first I noticed them hugging the other actors and I realized the moment to be such where they would want to hug me as well – within a fraction of a second I thought to myself that these people are strangers, I do not know them, is it appropriate to hug them, do they want to hug me, what if they reject me, is she going to hug me, is she coming my way, does she look like she wants to – evaluating the situation to see whether a hug would be ok or not. At first I reacted by going into a defensive state where I felt slight horror (lol) like a deer in a headlight, but then I realized that I was blocking something I actually find welcome and allowed the hug to happen. The situation was so fast, though, that I didn't have time to actually retreat from my mind and thus the reservedness was still here when we engaged in a hug.

It seems I have programmed myself to reject physical touch if certain requirements are not met. One of them is that I have to know the person. Why? Because I fear strangers, I think I cannot trust them. When and as I believe this I don't see myself to be one and equal to the other as a fellow human being. Why? Because I fear they may be something “more” than me and prove themselves “better”, or that they may be cruel and want to hurt me. In both cases I see danger, and in both I refuse to realize we are all the same in essence, that the same fears reside in all of us, and that to fear each other based on them is to imagine walls between us. All of the fear is imaginary.

I also within the situation make myself inferior to the other, as if I'd have no say in whether the hug is going to happen or not. If I would stand as one and equal to the other I could simply communicate that I do not want to be hugged, although I cannot think of any other valid reason to refuse a hug than the risk of actual physical pain or injury, if one has broken bones for example. Those reasons could be communicated and what one wanted to express with the hug could be shared otherwise.

Another point here seems to be “you have to ask for my permission to touch me”, not realizing I give my permission by allowing the hug to happen at all. Another way of saying it would be “why do you think you're allowed to touch me” which is aggression upon fear upon separation, and with the right tone would also be really demeaning (= abusive) towards the other: “why do you think you're allowed to touch me”, another defense mechanism. “You can't just touch me without asking” is again related to the inferiority point: expecting another to limit their expression according to my fears, making myself helpless to stop the touch and thus abdicating my response-ability within the situation.

What I fear within exposing oneself to physical touch is vulnerability. I am then easiest to bring down, and that's why it's so difficult for me to sometimes relax as I touch another. I'm trying to slowly bring into reality the realization that when I'm most “exposed” or least hidden, I am actually at my strongest and not weakest, because when I stand here as my actual self within self-honesty, not cloaked in personas or images, there is nothing that can bring me down unless I accept and allow it. What's stopping me from actualizing this realization are the many fears that jam me when I try to change myself within actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people I am not familiar with as “strangers”, believing them to be different and thus separate from the people I am familiar with, not realizing we are all one and equal to each other and that although unique, each human being is the same in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the word “stranger” itself contains the definition of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to all human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am inferior to an unfamiliar person because she shows affection towards people she is familiar with and I fear she might not show that to me because I perceive myself unfamiliar to her, not realizing she might not see me as unfamiliar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I would act and prepare myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I expect all people to act and prepare myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” to touch those who I'm familiar with, not realizing I then create the polarity that is “unsafe” with those I am not familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others would judge me if I hugged a person I am not familiar with, because that would be defined as “inappropriate” - a definition existing completely within my mind which I project on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be judged if I don't act according to the norm, not realizing I create the norm myself and manifest and validate it as I live fearing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by another's will/initiation to engage in physical touch, perceiving him/her to be “assertive” and not at all considering how I would like to direct the situation - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “give up” my directive power to those I have perceived and defined to be “assertive” as I have perceived “assertiveness” to be “more powerful” than I am, not realizing I make myself smaller than I actually am and define myself as “not assertive” as I define another to be “more” and abdicate my responsibility to be the director of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define extrovertedness and expressiveness as “assertiveness”, as I have separated myself from that which is expressed by stating “I can't do that” or “that's too much for me”, not realizing I limit myself from expressing myself as I actually am as life by saying I am not able to do something even though other people are able to - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all human beings as life have the same capacity of expression, and that I, too, am able to express myself in all the ways I see people around me expressing themselves, and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for clues in another person on whether he/she wants to engage in physical touch or not, trying to minimize the risk of getting rejected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection as I have perceived another to have the power to cause me that uncomfortable experience, not realizing I cause it myself by secretly wishing for something that represents acceptance (hug, kiss, touch, word, look) and reacting when I don't get the image I wish for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe certain actions to be symbols of acceptance that can be exchanged within the relationship game and the received amount of which indicates how well you're doing in the game, not realizing all of this is an image and a lie we have all agreed to act out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and lonely as I have perceived myself to be “losing” in the game, isolating myself even more as I have not seen myself as one and equal to those I have perceived to be “winning”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “less” as another receives a symbol of acceptance and I don't, not realizing I'm limiting myself from ever experiencing the actual reality as I perceive the world as relationships to be a limited game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I create the game as symbols of acceptance by living out behavioral patterns that state some certain actions to be reserved for certain situations and certain people, not including all people in all activity. [These I've got to go through in writing of its own. Note to self: relationship rituals]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt if I expose myself to physical touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the word “expose” contains the definition that something is revealed from underneath, and that to say I “expose” myself is to say I am underneath something and not here as only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I think I am “exposing” myself I uphold the personas I hide underneath, and that to stop using the word “expose” is to assist myself in letting go of hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of touch as “exposing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of being “exposed” to touch as making oneself vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the nature of touch - which is to be here unconditionally and inescapably in the physical – to be exposing, meaning what I am here in the physical is something I myself find strange and unfamiliar; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I have feared to be touched is because I have been so estranged from myself as I have lived with no self-intimacy that I have not been connected to and aware of what I actually am as a physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being exposed” is actually fear of myself being uncovered to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being vulnerable” is actually fear of seeing myself uncovered as I actually am.

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Okay, so what I see now here is that as I go into the fear of being exposed to myself as I am to engage in physical contact with another, I retreat away from my body into my mind in order to avoid facing that which I am here as physical expression. A lot of things start to make sense. How it manifests in my physical being is usually by “freezing” completely – as muscles tensioning, not sensing my limbs, not moving, not initiating, not being here as an entire body and an entire being, a total state of helplessness where I accept and allow myself to be directed by others. This is very interesting, because it opens a new dimension into how I have created myself the experience of being sexually abused. I'll look into it in separate writings.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a hug as something that is “more” meaningful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a hug as something “special” that happens between people who care for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe only those who are familiar with each other are able to care for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the audience members were actually already quite familiar with me as they had watched me onstage for the past 2 hours, and that their experience of our familiarity was different from mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I as an actor become familiar with the audience as I stand face to face with them actively for two hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be familiar with every manifestation of life I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the separation between a performer and the audience.

I commit myself to explore physical touch with people as well as all living things in order to locate the mind-reality I have painted upon the physical reality in order to let it go and experience life as it actually is.

I commit myself to write about the points I locate as I explore physical touch in order to eventually get through each one and let none slip.

I commit myself, when and as I make myself inferior to others, to breathe and remind myself I am in fact one and equal to all.

I commit myself, when and as I see another to be separate from me, to breathe and remind myself we are in fact one and equal to each other.

I commit myself to realize the amount of affection as physical touch is not a constant and that for it to exist elsewhere it doesn't have to not exist within my experience.

I commit myself to investigate and push through the borders of my comfort zone of self-expression in the physical in order to expand myself through facing my resistance consistently.

I commit myself to realize a hug is just a touch.

I commit myself to get to know myself by investigating myself and returning myself here where I can actually face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to escape myself, as I now realize I have nothing to fear in myself.