19-21102012
A
couple of days ago I met an interesting person while I was at work. I
was busy working but in a usually good mood (not yet sure if myself
or a character), and I started chatting with her at the counter and
we seemed to get along quite well. My shift ended soon after and I
left while she was still sitting at the cafe, but before I left I got
an idea to go over to her and ask if I could join her. I then went
into hesitation, and thought to myself “she might not want any
company even though she seems lonely” and I told myself I'm busy
and I have stuff to do and so I left, hoping she'd maybe come by
again. The next morning at work I found out she had unexpectedly left
me a message there with her contact info and I was flooded with joy
and excitement.
I
will now write out the points I spotted within the situation. I see
here a chance to learn about human interaction in a situation I am
not within very often and will do my best to learn as I am within it.
Points I need to go through:
The
“customer service” personality
Being
a savior
Regret
and relief
Anticipation
& excitement
Balancing
a situation by becoming extrovert
Sexual
interest in women
What
is it to know another?
--
The “customer service” personality --
[Note
while editing: I'm feeling crossed about this section because I feel
like I'm not getting to the point and that what I've written is messy
and dishonest. I decided to post it along with the others anyway in
order to be open about the process I'm going through with this
point.]
A
waitress is expected to be friendly. There are characteristics and
stereotypes associated with certain positions in the restaurant
business: a bartender is allowed to be an asshole (= uncompromising),
whereas a waiter is preferred friendly (= compromising). As I have
worked mainly in customer service and for the past few years as a
waitress the system of compromising oneself at the request/demand of
another has become quite familiar to me.
I
have been working on this character ever since I started in the
business. It never felt right to me and I have never been able to lie
just for the sake of paid loyalty. I have to the best of my abilities
stood as honestly as possible while simultaneously trying to cause as
little damage as possible, which I now realize has been a compromise.
Working for restaurants has been a testing time that has taught me
what it is to stand here as yourself instead of what I believe is
expected – a character – and face the reactions that occur
as I act according to what I perceive to be true. I have ended up
being a character that acts in an unexpected way and causing all
kinds of consequences, mainly pissing off customers and getting
complaints, but also some positive moments.
I
have been paying attention to my friendliness as a customer servant
for a couple of years now. It was a remark I received while working
at a restaurant in the summer 2011, where a customer told me I was a
one-of-a-kind waitress, because I seemed actually happy to be working
– indicating that I may have then already been onto something if it
was visible to others. I've realized since by observing myself and
other waitresses how much of the friendliness in this business is
faking and how it persists even though it's completely obvious to
everyone involved. I have done what I can to make sure my
friendliness is genuine (meaning it's not always there when
“required”), but I've been on some part working on it from the
outside in instead of the other way around, and thus I haven't made
the progress I could've. Having breath as my starting point has
helped me a lot in realizing what is fake and what isn't. Smiling so
much it hurts is not a good thing – the pain itself should make it
obvious!
So
I fear that I was within the personality instead of being myself when
I met this person the other day. I fear that my friendliness was not
genuine, and that if it wasn't, what if I find out I don't like her?
Is she expecting something of me? Does she think more of me than I
am? Will she be let down? Will she think I'm a liar? How will I know
whether I was genuine or not? Does it matter whether I was genuine or
not if I from this moment on choose to be myself in her company? We
don't know each other yet, so she probably hasn't got much of an
image formed of me, as I do not have of her (I have some, yes, but
I'm working on that as well), and if she does that is her point to
deal with, not mine.
--
Even
though I've investigated this character, I still don't know how to
separate the fake and the genuine friendliness from each other. I'm
just not letting myself be commonsensical about it. If I am indeed
faking friendliness it will manifest consequences in my being as well
as the customer's. If I am here as breath and self-honesty I will
notice those consequences, if not the initial faking itself. This
fear is just another manifestation of my insecurity and distrust in
myself.
[This
personality in general requires more opening up, but I'll deal with
it now in how it relates to meeting this person and the way I handled
it.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into
panic and confusion when I have tried to figure out what part of my
behavior is automized and what is
expressing as self, not realizing trying to figure out a point
through panic which is to not breathe is to push oneself into a
dead-end.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop
and breathe immediately as I notice panic and confusion but instead
let it accumulate.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be
commonsensical about the point I'm going through by simply stopping,
breathing and remembering the basic truths I live by.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
investigate what has actually happened in a situation and instead
spiral into interpretation upon interpretation and doubt everything I
perceive to have happened.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop
and realize what happened in the situation with the person was me
being myself, not limiting myself through thought, but simply being
here within the moment and showing genuine interest towards another
being. [I still fear this is a lie.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the
entire situation was fake based on the hesitation and regret I went
into after the situation. [Will open the hesitation point up more
specifically.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I
must have been acting from within a character because my actions were
such that I wouldn't have been able to do before, not realizing I may
have changed over time and that working on myself will manifest
change eventually.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be
surprised/frightened about my self-expression as actions and thus go
into the mind and away from HERE where I was expressing myself just a
moment ago.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall out of
breath as I have gone back into the mind to interpret what just
happened, not allowing myself to just embrace the life I was actually
living for a moment by staying in breath and staying HERE.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself
“What just happened?”, separating myself from the moment I am
living as I state the situation is already over and out of my reach.
I
commit myself to breathe and stay here every time I walk through a
point, as I now see, realize and understand that if I try to walk a
point as I do not breathe I am not here and the points cannot be
walked if I am not here.
I
commit myself to support and assist myself to stop and face my
backchat when and as it disrupts a situation and freezes my
self-expression.
--
Being a savior --
This
point has to do with what I had seen the person to be so far before I
met her again. When she came to the counter she was really quiet and
I perceived her to be shy and introverted. When we talked I found out
she's a foreign student from a big country studying in our town, and
that she's only been here for a couple of months and doesn't know the
language. She told me she's excited to experience all the four
seasons. She told me in the message she doesn't have many friends in
Finland. So she's shy, alone, estranged and bewildered – and this
is just my perception – and there's a lot there where I could
“save” her. I perceive I could “save” her from loneliness,
from being a stranger in this country, from not having friends. The
savior character is a tricky one, because
all the things I would do as a savior I
could also do simply to assist and support another, but the starting
point is crucial in the outcome.
Why
do I even want to be a savior? To be
“more”? Being a savior also means that
the other is always indebted to me, “less than” me. It is putting
myself into a position where I have plenty to “give” and the
other one gratefully accepts what I have to offer. It is not an equal
relationship of both giving and receiving, of mutual sharing, it is
one where something is given from the above and received somewhere
lower. I do not want to participate in such a relationship. I will
not live this one into such. I realize that two people can always
give each other equally much as we are all one and equal, but it only
depends on whether or not they are willing to interact in such a way
where all of that can be discovered.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
save another to be “more”, not realizing me being “more”
would make the other “less” and that I do not want that for
anyone, as that is not what is best for all life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
the other as “in need of help”, not realizing she has never told
me that herself and that it is all just my interpretation.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be
“more” as I have been afraid I would otherwise not be
respected/liked/appreciated within a friendship.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear the
mask of a savior as I have been afraid to
just be myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be
intimidated by my perception of another and thus try to be “more
than” her to compensate for me feeling like I am “less”. [Note
to self: a point to open up would be “why do I need to be more
within a friendship” or “what do I fear within a friendship”.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to
another making herself “small” by becoming something “big”
the other can rely on and be “saved”, not realizing this is not
actual support as I allow another to make herself less than she
actually is and validate her experience by becoming that which she
needs to stay within her delusion. [Again, all of this is my
perception of her, I cannot now what she's actually going through.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
actual support is to expose the bullshit we are all living as.
I
commit myself to discover what we have to share with each other, as I
now realize we are two equals that happen to meet within a limited
lifespan and a vast world and that each meeting is unique and will
eventually end, as well as each breath is here only once and that
once is now.
I
commit myself to remind myself we are all equal and one.
I
commit myself to support and assist others from the starting point of
equality and oneness.
--
Regret and relief --
As
I described, I went into hesitation within the situation where I was
thinking whether I should join her at her table or not. As I
justified the hesitation and decided to not act I was left with
regret, the polarity of which manifested as relief the next morning.
Within
the hesitation and regret I refused to carry any responsibility over
the situation. I thought “maybe she'll come by again”, shoving
all responsibility of our possible interaction on her instead of
acting according to my initial experience. It was actually quite
harmful to me that she did decide to leave me a message (good for her
for initiating contact, although saying “call me” instead of
asking for my number at work and calling me), because through it I
validated my inaction and my refusal to carry responsibility. Within
the hesitation I went into fear of judgement and rejection and that
stopped me from taking action. The regret was me telling myself I
“should have”, where I blamed myself for my inaction and made
myself feel guilty and no-good.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my
responsibility over the interaction I am participating in, not
realizing that I am the one to stand up and act as I am the only one
I can move within this reality.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking
action as I have feared the feedback I'd receive would be negative,
believing the feedback to have control over me and not realizing if
the feedback were to affect me it would be of my own acceptance and
allowance, and that my reactions are my responsibility only.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
I create my experience of being judged and rejected, and that to fear
the experience is to fear myself and to refuse to be my directive
principle myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if
I am released from my guilt when and as someone else “saves” the
situation by taking action.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my
inaction was ok because someone else took care of the situation, not
realizing the situation would already be completely different had I
taken action myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel
grateful towards the one who “saved” the situation by taking
action, giving the person gratitude as a “gift” and as an
exchange for her “trouble”, believing I am then balancing the
situation by balancing the “debt”; Within this I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the “debt of
gratitude” is nothing but a social agreement where we agree to act
out that which is not real to create that which is not real, and that
the “debt” is thus nothing but a delusion and a lie, and that to
participate in this social construct is to support all of the mind
constructs. I now see, realize and understand participating in any
and all social constructs is to not live as that which is best for
all - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
live as dishonesty and to not live as that which is best for all.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress
and limit myself from expressing myself according to my fear of
judgement and rejection.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the
way I'd like to express myself ought to be judged and thus perceive
and believe the world to be likely to judge me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that what I perceive to be abnormal (= not according to the norm)
behavior ought to be rejected because it's
not normal (= how things should be), and thus perceive and believe
the world likely to reject me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and
reject myself, not realizing I then separate myself from myself as I
create within myself both the judger and the judged.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
I still believe that people should act according to the norm and that
I have accepted and allowed myself to hide it underneath
“free-spirit”-personalities within which I have the permission to
act abnormally.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project
myself into past situations and think about what I could've done
better, morphing carrying one's responsibility into blaming and
feeling guilty about the behavior that I see was not acceptable as I
was limiting and suppressing myself. [Note to self: how does this
happen exactly?]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
there's nothing I can do to correct the situation now that according
to my perception it's already over, refusing to carry responsibility
over the situation and over myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that as I project myself into the past when I feel guilty I'm no
longer here, and that when I'm not here I will not be able to act in
the best possible way (within and as myself) and thus end up creating
more of that which I feel guilty about (limited behavior), completing
the cycle.
I
commit myself, when and as I limit and suppress myself through
hesitation, to stop and face my hesitation as what it actually is –
a bunch of irrational fears – and to remind myself none of it is
actually true, and to self-forgive and redirect myself as movement.
I
commit myself to support and assist myself to notice, stop and face
the moments where I am not carrying my responsibility over my
experience.
I
now see, realize and understand the world as it currently is will not
assist and support me to free myself of the system as I face it, and
thus I commit myself through this process to re-create myself into my
initial support and assistance by becoming my starting point in every
single breath.
I'll continue in the next post.
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