Days 26 & 27: Communicating about sex

17-18102012

Sex was never really discussed in our family. My mother educated me about sex by borrowing children's books that explained sex from the library and leaving them around the house for me to find and read. Lol, it's actually kind of hilarious now that I look at it. I see now what may have limited my mother from communicating the information directly and how I've inherited her issues and manifested the same kind of behavior myself refraining from talking about sex unless absolutely necessary. My siblings never talked about sex and I never attempted to discuss it with them. My older brother was introverted and never talked about any personal issues, my sister was living out the issues she, too, inherited from our mother, and my younger brother was causing enough havoc for his sexuality to ever be on top of any discussion. My father once explained to me how chicken eggs fertilize by mechanically explaining intercourse, but that was all we ever communicated about the subject.

At school my classmates were all one year older than me, because I started school one year early as I was already able to read and write at the age of 6. My younger age was used as a weapon against me on many occasions and also concerning sex: when we got around 10-12 years old sex became a topic that was eagerly discussed but always in secret from the boys. When I had no idea what anyone was talking about and asked questions (what are you talking about, what is this, I don't understand, what is that word you're using, what does it mean, I don't get it, why would any of this happen), I got ridiculed and secluded from the discussion. “You're too young to understand” is what I was told, even though our age difference was actually really minor, and none of my friends would explain to me what sex and relationships were about. It was a position of disadvantage people liked having me in as I was then easy to put down for others to elevate themselves, and I accepted and allowed myself to stay in that position as did not know what else to do than to succumb. Eventually I stopped asking questions and gathered bits and pieces of information where I could, but mostly I just resented the whole concept of sex not wanting to face my insecurity about it.

What I could have done would have been to ask directly from someone that would not have belittled me, such as my family members, but as the topic was never there I didn't know how to bring it up. I never considered discussing sex with my family, and later on when my mother tried to when I had my first sexual relationship in my older teens I got uncomfortable and refused to communicate what I was experiencing. She respected my wish for privacy and I was satisfied with that, when in fact I silently hoped someone would tell me what the hell it's all about.

The reason I'm writing this is to peel off the layers from the monster I have made sex into. I can see how this communication point has affected my relationship to sex, how I have made it something big and scary, not realizing sex is just sex, a way of communicating in the physical, just a form of touch. How I position myself in relation to sex, seeing myself as inferior to it, is connected to how I perceived it to be a mystery which will not be explained to me and with which no one will assist me. As I figured it's something I have to deal with on my own I stopped trying to communicate, and eventually did not communicate even within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to sex, not realizing sex is not an entity separate from me but something I create within and as human interaction, and thus as I am the one who creates it it's inseparably and completely of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize sex is communication, as I have not understood what communication in any of its forms really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize sex is just a touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is a “special” kind of touch because of the position of “mystery” I placed it in due to lack of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is a “mystery”, not realizing it is accessible and knowable to everyone if we're simply HERE within and as ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to suppress myself according to my environment, as I learned human behavior from watching my family and friends and repeating what they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the questions I wanted to ask because I perceived it to be a topic that was “not allowed”, as my family never talked about it (the topic did not exist or was hidden) and my friends put me down (the topic was secluded, forbidden and dangerous).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for not telling me what sex was about while I stopped asking questions about it, not realizing it is my responsibility to keep asking until I'm answered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the world to be keeping a secret from me, not realizing the information is there for me to find if I simply look around patiently enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for the information from the right sources (adults) as I have been ashamed of being interested in sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as something that ought to be hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if sex is a secret that everyone wants to know, the most commonsensical action would be to just lay it on the table and talk about it with everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize everyone is interested in sex as it is a part of the human being both biologically and psychologically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the rest of the world by thinking it is not okay for me to have a sexuality even though everyone else has one, thus making myself “special” through victimizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my sexuality as something separate from me, not realizing it is me and I am my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world to be “unfair” when some of my friends “got to” experience sex and/or relationships when I limited myself from it, not realizing I still had many friends who did not experience sex and/or relationships and that my logic that determined “unfairness” was thus invalid, as I was not the only one “left out”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to be put down through ridicule, mocking and demeaning by believing the things said about me to be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react to being put down by feeling sad and rejected, not realizing I'm not responsible for how others perceive me and that nothing they say should be taken personally, as they too are walking a process and the mocking is a point they have to deal with themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to limit my communication according to my emotional reactions, not realizing the reactions aren't real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world as other people for my reactions, not realizing they are my own creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I react with sadness I perceive myself to be “powerless” to do anything about the circumstances I'm in, separating myself from myself as I have not realized I am the creator of all of my experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish for someone to tell me what sex is about but never ask anyone as I have faced rejection before and believed I will face it again no matter who I ask, not realizing my perception is limited and never the entire truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose hope and give up as I have faced rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating about sex as I have feared I would be ridiculed and put down in the same way my friends did when I was a child, seeing myself as “powerless” to direct my experience.

I commit myself to be open to the topic of sex within all communication by not rejecting the topic and investigating and facing myself within communication that involves sex, as I now see, realize and understand sex is not a “forbidden” topic but simply a topic.

I commit myself to support and assist myself within and as breath and with self-forgiveness to communicate about sex.

I commit myself to demystify sex by no longer keeping it hidden and thus living as an example.

I commit myself to support myself through patience and kindness as I walk this point.

I commit myself to investigate myself as a sexual being as I through consistency return myself into the physical and let go of the mind in order to figure out what sexuality really is.

I commit myself to walk this point until it is done.