Day 24: SF - What is a premiere?

15102012

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness before a performance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create nervousness by anticipating the performance and the feedback that's to come I make it harder for myself to be here and focus on the performance as I project myself into the future, not realizing that as I'm not here my performance will not be the best I can do and the audience will give me feedback accordingly, thus fulfilling my fear all by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as I perform.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be of support to the other actors by being nervous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is more beneficial to support others by being here and calm within and as breath instead of following the others to their nervousness and us feeding each others nervousness, acting out what we believe to be support instead of asking ourselves whether it's actually supportive or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to validate each other's experiences is “support”, when in fact it is just preserving the other's and one's own bubble through a mutual unspoken agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate each and every time I get to live out a character, no matter the size, quality or any other attribute of the audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize every member of the audience is an individual and that every spectator is of value and should be given the best I can do, as the impact the performance has on the individual's experience can not be foreseen and if accepted and allowed may be of high importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I cannot predict how an audience is going to be influenced by the performance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for me to know whether our performance will be appreciated or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my best to each and every audience I have faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize (most of) the audience is present out of their own free will having chosen to spend their free time at our performance, and that they are thus more likely to open up and interact with us and hear what we have to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate the fact that I have a possibility to explore the art of theatre, or any form of art for that matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the premiere is a “special” occasion and live out the according feelings and emotions (nervousness that becomes relief, excitement and joy), thus making the rest of the process - rehearsals and the rest of the performances - “less special”, where my focus wanders and I'm not doing the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all of the performances are a unique occasion and a chance to interact with the audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy the rehearsal period perceiving it to be “tiresome” and “exhausting”, not realizing it is a most enjoyable, enriching and essential part of the process the result of which is the performance we get to share with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breath as I face adversity and resistance during the rehearsals and consequently limit myself from enjoying the process in its entirety.

I commit myself to do my best in each and every performance by supporting and assisting myself through breath and self-forgiveness as I now see, realize and understand that each and every performance is a one-time-only interaction with the audience that is there open and willing to hear what we as the performers have to say.

I commit myself to no longer feed the nervousness of others through my own nervousness or allow my nervousness to be fed by others, as I now see, understand and realize to spread it is an act of self-interest where I look for “support” when I in fact only look for validation for my unstable state of being.

I commit myself to bring myself here within and as breath before each and every performance and through consistency make breath my starting point on stage.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face and sort out the resistance I create during the rehearsal period when and as the resistance is here.