Day 8: “You've lost weight”

29-30092012

Today I met old friends I haven't seen in a while, and for multiple times I heard that either I had “lost weight” or was looking “really beautiful”. It was interesting to see what people notice as they meet someone they once knew but who, as time has passed, most probably has changed: the focus was on the appearance, which would either suggest their statements were about my health - an attribute somewhat apparent on the outside, which would suggest their focus is on my well-being - or ones born out of fear - “now that I make her more, does it make me less?”, focus on themselves. I'm aware that I have actually changed, both inside and outside, but I did not expect that to be something people pay attention to, or maybe I simply did not remember how social interaction in the female world commonly functions.

I'm also quite aware of my fear that bringing up the feedback I received here through published writing might arouse jealousy or other kinds of peculiar reactions in my environment. Just a couple of weeks back I faced a similar situation, when we had a theatre gig where we were playing a bunch of girls raised in the woods, all dirty and crude, and after we had put on the dirt make-up one of the actors reacted to me being “most beautiful” of us all in spite of the dirt and felt she was then “less” than me. I feel dumb as I face such reactions: what am I expected to do, here? Make myself “less” so others wouldn't have to feel bad? I really haven't put in any more effort than usual about the way I look: I'm simply familiar with the guidelines of aesthetics and utilize them when necessary and when it supports my expression. There's plenty about visual information that people don't know of, even though it's really basic stuff one could learn by simply being within themselves, and then define the ones who do know as “special”, and from within their definition of themselves believe they can “never learn”(this applies to all other kinds of information as well).

But now I rant and digress. I fear others will react to what I am and that I am then somehow responsible for their reactions. Which, in a way, yes, I am, but via such a complex web of interconnectedness that what needs to be done is not to “comfort” the ones who react by validating their feel-bad, but to change the system we have accepted and allowed the world to become, that supports people to believe in the social game of “winning” and “losing” for example on a measure of beauty. How to change the system? By living as an example. And that will require me to expose all of my bullshit and lies and justifications, in this case about the way I perceive myself to look in the eyes of others and how I relate myself to my body, clothing and appearance. Which is something I've already begun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others might react to their perception of me, not realizing their reactions are theirs to deal with as no one can be “saved”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be “cool” when I receive positive feedback from others, ignoring the fact that it does have an impact on me on some level (emotions, feelings, thoughts, images) and supports the systems and cycles I live as. I now see and realize that if I don't allow myself to show and expose all the things I react with/as as I receive feedback, even if I simultaneously breathe and let them go, I disregard the effects completely and let them accumulate to further extent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to how I perceive I ought to act to “win” in a social situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking good (= allow myself the energetic experience of “feeling good” = mostly pride), as I have not always allowed myself to look good (I have not stood within myself) and see that I have somehow “improved”, implying I am now “more” than what I used to be, when in fact I am simply different. I now see and realize I still fear I will go back to being “less”, that I will fall and crumble back to not standing within myself, not realizing the choice is always mine in every single moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming what I was in the past, not realizing such regression would demand I forget most of what I have ever learned, abandoning all I am now, and thus is not at all likely, as I am not the image of “weakness” I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “weak” and thus that I cannot be trusted, not realizing that as breath I am able to choose what's best for me in every single moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation (underlying aggression) to others making themselves “less” in my presence based on their perception of me compared to themselves. I now see and realize what I react to is that I fear all will degrade themselves and no one will remain equal to me, thus leaving me with no one to actually rely on and interact with (= fear of ending up alone), and that instead of being afraid I should be assisting and supporting others to face what they're accepting and allowing themselves to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear of ending up alone to be able to assist and support others with whatever they're going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if all others make themselves “less” and thus “unable” and “weak”, I have to carry all the responsibility, theirs as well; a fear of having to carry the entire world on your shoulders. I now see and realize my responsibility is of the entire world and that I fear it to be “too much”, not realizing it does not mean to commit great heroic acts like in the images and stories of heroes and titans, but to choose in every moment to do what is best for all, thus carrying my responsibility over everything. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for others to “give away” their responsibility over the world and to be “free” of it, when in fact the responsibility will always be there even if they refuse to see it and act on it. Thus it is not valid to think in terms of “fair” and “unfair”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others choose to make themselves “less”, there's nothing I can do about it and that all I can do is watch them “sink”, when in fact I can affect the world as attitudes and beliefs by living as an example affecting my immediate surroundings, supporting and assisting people to face their bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hatred and shame of my past self on others by thinking “oh come on, pick yourself up”, expressing loathing and disdain, instead of living compassion and kindness to support the others to actually be able to “pick themselves up”. I now see and realize I still see myself one and equal to my past self, projecting myself into the past, and that's what limits me and keeps me from being here and living as what I am now, as compassion and kindness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm still hung up on my past self as I haven't forgiven my past, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself accordingly. [A set of forgiveness I am to do separately.]

I commit myself to build trust upon myself by looking at what I'm actually living as within this world as actions, instead of creating images of myself (such as “weakness”), picking up “evidence” that supports them and believing them unquestioned.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice another to make themselves “less” in my presence, return to breath and stability and be aware of any and all reactions that may surface, so that I may let them go as I support and assist another to take responsibility over their own experience.

I commit myself to stop limiting my expression by supporting and assisting myself within/as breath to express myself as myself, when and as I go through an experience; to redirect myself I need to get to the roots of my problems, and to do that I stop suppressing myself no matter the situation.

I commit myself to stand here within and as myself no matter the situation to live as an example, and, if I see myself falling out of breath, to treat myself with kindness and instantly forgive myself for my relapse.